Excerpt from This Will Not Look Good on My Resume in 222 More Comedy Monologues, Ziegler and Capecci (eds.)
“In the fitness room” posted at Erma Bombeck’s humor website!
“The road trip dialogues” (excerpt) posted at Erma Bombeck’s humor website!
“Dogs Just Wanna Have Fun – At the Beach!” posted at Erma Bombeck’s humor website!
“Northerly Hills 602OD” posted at Erma Bombeck’s humor website!
“Enough with the Bongos!” posted at Erma Bombeck’s humor website!
comedians – interested in new material? contact me!
cartoonists – want to form a partnership? contact me!
actresses – “Substitute Teacher from Hell” is a one-woman show, any length you want; also check out the monologues from This Will Not Look Good On My Resume (great for auditions), “Balls” (which could feature a slide show component), and “Adverse Reactions”
mugs, t-shirts, cards, posters, magnets, and other funny stuff – search for “Jass Richards” at cafepress.com and zazzle.com, or just check out my card collection (milestone birthday cards and miscellaneous) or my psych mug collection and make your own! (So you’re turning 50. Boo hoo. You can still walk, can’t you?)
Book Trailer for TurboJetSlams
funny bits – that keep on coming – one a day – sort of – (many of which are on tshirts, mugs, fridge magnets, etc in my cafepress shop)
12/21/2016Should we fund a mission to Mars? Sure. Give us a bit of time and we can make that planet uninhabitable too.
6/14/2016One country, fearing the loss of cheap oil, which happened to be located in another country, dropped bombs on that country, seeming to forget for a moment that oil was, well, flammable.
Not to worry. The other country remembered: fearing the loss of control over their oil, they set fire to it.
4/14/2015A church group at the University of Texas is promoting Christian faith as the best way to avoid abduction by aliens.
Well yeah. Any aliens that come here won’t be that stupid.
(Then again, any aliens that come here–)
11/8/2014Investigators of yet another stigmata “miracle” discovered that the red stuff seeping from the wounds of a crucified Christ figure was indeed genuine human blood.
Wouldn’t that cast doubt – on the ‘son of a god’ thing?
8/18/2014Why did the guardian angel cross the road?
To be with his imaginary friend.
7/29/2014Men who think size matters are usually – fat.
6/23/2014On a regular basis, men enter a ring and punch each other repeatedly in the head.
This causes brain damage.
Well, more brain damage.
Critics are reminded that the participants are consenting adults.
That’s the part we don’t get.
5/20/2014In our society, girls still get the impression that men as a whole are better than women. After all, they’re the presidents and the CEOs and even the supervisors.
But when you raise a girl to believe that all men are better than her, you raise her to date, have sex with, fall in love with, and marry any old asshole. Because even he knows more, can do more, can do better –
Oh. That’s why girls are still led to believe that men as a whole are better than women.
5/3/2014When there’s a train wreck or something, survivors often attribute their good fortune to God. They walk around saying “It’s a miracle! Praise the Lord!”
That happened to me once. I was driving back from a business meeting with my pompous little shit of a supervisor and we got into a three-car pile-up. He was killed instantly and I said the same thing – “It’s a miracle! Praise the Lord!”
4/13/2014Did you hear about that Amish kid who got caught reading porn?
His parents confiscated his entire collection of Car & Driver and Popular Mechanics.
4/7/2014You know what women like about their periods? They’re regular. They’re every 28 days, give or take.
Wouldn’t it be nice if men knew when they were being taken over by their chemicals?
3/22/2014I applaud the idea of god as a woman.
It’s a sure-fire way to make “him” non-existent.
Or at least totally inconsequential.
3/13/2014Anti-gun law advocate and pastor of the New Life Christian Fellowship, Herbert Kershaw, accidentally shot himself to death while demonstrating gun safety to his family.
[And I just now realized the second way in which that’s funny.]
2/24/2014Who was Cain’s wife?
If it was Eve, then we’re the result of inbreeding all the way back.
Which, now that I think of it, explains a lot.
And if it was someone else – who created her?
2/12/2014I don’t understand all the anger about discontinuing “The Prayer” in schools, courtrooms, council meetings, and other public places.
We’re not trying to stop you from praying wherever and whenever you want – we’d just rather you not be such an exhibitionist about it.
2/3/2014Those people who become ‘born again’?
I guess that’s one way to avoid growing up.
1/28/2014So I was talking to some non-practising Catholics the other day.
Told them I was a non-practising saint.
1/5/2014The Road Trip Dialogues – free for a limited time!
(yeah, yeah, trying out a promotional strategy)
12/28/2013Speaking of which, the Pope says that if a man with HIV can’t abstain from intercourse, it’s better that he infect his wife than use a condom.
And I say that if a woman with PMS can’t resist a rage, it’s better that she gun down the Pope than take a Midol.
12/19/2013Speaking of creation, if God made everything, who made God?
If he just always was, then why couldn’t it be that everything else just always was?
And if he made himself, well, I guess that means he can go fuck himself!
12/6/2013It seems to me God’s a little obsessed with sex – so many stories in The Bible involve rape, incest, whoring, lust, coveting thy neighbour’s wife, deflowering virgins…
He’s also a little obsessed with food – what to eat, when to eat.
Guess that’s what happens when you’re non-corporeal.
12/2/2013Or maybe he just lies a lot.
He promised Jacob that he would return from Egypt (Gen 46:3,4), but he didn’t – he died there (Gen 49).
So it would seem that ‘God said so!’ is not exactly a solid claim to legitimacy.
11/22/2013Or could be he’s just wrong a lot.
He said that Adam would die on the day he ate the apple (Gen 2:16,17), but he didn’t (Gen 3:17; Gen 5:3).
He told Jehoiakim that he wouldn’t have a son (Jer 36:30), but he did (2 Kgs 24:6).
11/15/2013Or maybe he just changes his mind a lot.
Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; no, wait, ye shall not eat of them that chew the cud or of them that divide the cloven hoof. (Gen 9:3; Deut 14:7)
11/7/2013Ye are saved through grace, not works. (Eph 2:8,9) By works a man is justified. (Jas 2:24)
I am a jealous God visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generations. (Ex 20:5) The son shall not bear the iniquity of the father. (Ezek 18:20)
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you. (Jn 14:27) Think not that I am come to send peace on earth. (Mt 10:34)
Israel shall rise again. (Jer 31:4) Israel shall not rise again. (Amos 5:2)
I guess they’re right – God does transcend the laws of logic.
11/1/2013I used to be pissed because none of Christ’s disciples were women.
Then I realized what a sorry lot of gullible schmucks they were, traipsing along after a total stranger, leaving at a moment’s notice their families, their jobs – “Hey, come follow me! I’m a god! No, really! Look – there, that bush – I did that! I set it on fire! Aren’t I some kind of wonderful?”
10/25/2013According to Roman Catholics, thanks to Eve, and our forbidden-fruit knowledge of good and evil, we’re born sinners.
So what, blessed are the psychopaths?
10/18/2013There’s something fundamentally wrong with prayer.
It doesn’t work.
10/11/2013At the gas station, I saw a couple guys on their way to their hunt camp.
“How many squares did ya bring?” the one asked the other.
A case of 24 bottles of beer is not square. It’s rectangular.
And God help us, they’re the ones with all the spatial ability.
10/4/2013Don’t leafblowers make an awful noise? It’s such an irritating whine.
You know why, dontcha? Because they were made for men – by men.
That’s probably why the damned things don’t even really clean up the leaves, they just move the mess from one place to another.
9/24/2013Why did God forbid knowledge of good and evil?
Could it be he didn’t want us to know what an evil messed up sonuvabitch he was?
(Given that he proceeded to order mass murders left, right, and center – the Hittites, the Girgashites, the Amorites, the Canaanites, the Perizzites, the Hivites, the Jebusites, and the entire cities of Makkadah, Libnah, Lachish, Gezer, Eglon, and Hebron – and we still think he’s overflowing with love and kindness, he obviously didn’t have anything to worry about.)
9/18/2013According to The Bible (2 Sam 23:8,18; 1 Chr 11:11), some guy named Adino killed 800 men in a single battle, and Abishai and Jashobeam each killed 300.
Who were these guys? Even if that single battle lasted a full 24 hours, that’s at least 12 killed per hour. Which is one every five minutes.
Now I’ve never killed a person, with just knives and swords and shit, but it can’t be that easy.
One guy every five minutes for 24 hours straight?
So inquiring minds have to ask: when these guys went fishing, did they ever catch anything? Yeah? How big? (Thanks to Farrell Till.)
9/12/2013And Moses. God gave him the Top Ten Commandments, all engraved in stone yet, but he didn’t give him a lousy map.
He knew he wouldn’t stop and ask for directions.
9/5/2013And O Creator of Everything, how can you not once even mention DNA?
(Not in Genesis, not in Revelation…)
8/30/2013Chapter 28 of Deuteronomy says that if we don’t hearken unto God’s voice, he’s going to smite us with consumption, fever, inflammation, burning, hemorrhoids, the scab, the itch, and the botch of Egypt.
Oh no! The botch of Egypt!
8/23/2013Catholics believe in the doctrine of ‘original sin’: just by being born, we bring sin into the world.
So shouldn’t they approve of abortion?
8/17/2013Their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up. (Hos 13:16)
Dash their children, and rip up their women with child. (2 Kgs 8:12).
Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones. (Ps 137:9)
They shall have no pity on the fruit of the womb. (Isa 13:18)
Thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body. (Deut 28:53)
So I guess God’s not really Pro-Life then, is he.
8/11/2013For the record, I don’t become bitchy for a few days a month.
I develop a heightened sensitivity to your many flaws.
7/28/2013How a Dog is Not Like a Kid
1. A dog is generally kept on a leash when in public.
2. When a kid gets tired in public, it whines and tugs and whines – instead of quietly curling up and falling asleep. At your feet.
3. A dog can be ‘toilet-trained’ in a week or two.
4. A dog doesn’t bark nearly as much as a kid cries, screams, wails, and shrieks. And it will seldom wake up in the middle of the night for just that very purpose.
5. A dog sits on command. And comes when you call.
6. A dog usually gets spayed and neutered before it reaches puberty.
7. A dog’s destructive period generally lasts about a year. Not ten. (Thirty, in the case of males.)
8. And yet hotels, motels, apartments, and condos are far more likely to have a ‘No Dogs’ rule than a ‘No Kids’ rule. And those that allow kids don’t have a weight limit.
7/21/2013Studies show that people with mentors advance in their careers more than those without mentors.
See, I’ve never had a mentor.
‘Course, I’ve never had a career.
7/15/2013So I was looking for a job, and everyone kept saying “You’re overqualified.”
Yeah, well, the jobs I’m qualified for are filled.
7/9/2013“I mean, we protect you,” he continued, “you benefit from our defence.”
Yeah right. Like the safest place to be is right beside the jerk who’s mouthing off and waving a big fat gun. Right beside the asshole everyone wants to just sit down and shut the fuck up.
7/5/2013An American told me once that they considered taking certain action against Canada, as revenge for not supporting them in one of their wars. “But,” he explained, “we sort of consider Canada our little brother, you know?”
Revenge for not supporting them? Who’s the little brother?
6/23/2013People who need people are – codependent.
6/12/2013Pitch for a sci-fi movie: A plague kills all the women on Earth except five, who manage to escape infection. On these five depend the continuation of the human species.
And when the men find them, it takes all of fifteen minutes to rape them to death.
(A very short sci-fi movie.)
6/3/2013What’s scary about the development of intelligent computers or biochemical roots is not that they might some day pass whatever test we come up with to determine if they meet the criteria for being a conscious human being.
What’s scary is that on that day, a good number of the rest of us might not.
5/24/2013I guess there’s nothing wrong with believing there’s life after death.
Unless, of course, you’re my surgeon!
5/20/2013Chapter 2 of Kings says that God arranged to have 42 children killed by bears because they teased a bald guy.
I betcha God’s bald.
5/16/2013Research continues to show that the older you get, the less likely you are to get married.
Well yeah. Because the older you get, the less likely you are to be deluded.
5/13/2013I once saw three big fish in a teeny little front yard pond.
Must’ve taken a whole two seconds for Bob to swim from one end to the other, passing Harry, and back, passing Joe.
I sure hope all three have that short-term memory thing where you can’t remember what you just did.
5/9/2013One of the biggest problems facing humanity today is how to get rid of the men. I have the solution. We turn them into women.
Most of them will then kill themselves, unable to deal with their new subordinate status.
5/3/2013I read the other day about the new proposed crime, “negligent rape”, in which a man fails to notice a woman’s lack of consent.
Guys. How can you fail to notice “GET THE FUCK OFF ME!”?
4/26/2013It’s always pissed me off how men seem to make every little thing they do so important. They put on such a serious face. Even if they’re just tying their shoelaces.
Turns out I’ve been giving them way too much credit. They’re not conveying importance. They’re just concentrating really really hard.
4/19/2013I was reading the other day about cave art, how there are a lot more pictures of animals drawn in profile and than in frontal view. Apparently because the frontal view is a sophisticated perspective requiring cognitive skills present only in more evolved brains.
There’s a simpler explanation. The guys who actually saw a woolly mammoth head-on? They died.
4/13/2013According to Biblical accounts, God’s commanded the deaths of 185,000 Assyrians, 120,000 Midianites, 120,000 Judeans, 100,000 Syrians, 24,000 Israelites, and 10,000 Moabites.
Now, he’s obviously rounding off to the nearest thousand, and I have to tell you, that lack of attention to detail bothers me.
4/7/2013“Y’know why women can’t play poker?” this guy asked me once.
“’Cuz they’re no good at bluffing.”
Well, I guess you’ve never had sex with a woman then, eh?
4/3/2013George Carlin with Tourette’s Syndrome:
3/26/2013The Bible continues to appear on bestseller lists even though the plot is repetitious, the characters are unlikeable, the dialogue, unrealistic, and the tone, juvenile.
And much of it just fucking doesn’t make sense: “Wherefore my sentence is, that we trouble not them, which from among the Gentiles are turned to God” (Acts 15:19). What?
3/21/2013All those women in tv ads that are so happy that their eyelashes can now be ultra-curled, ultra-lengthened, and ultra-thickened — if my eyes were that vacant, I sure wouldn’t want to draw attention to them.
No wait a minute. If I were that vacant — I guess I would.
3/14/2013Have you seen those extra large chocolate bars with the re-sealable packages?
Why would you need a re-sealable package on a chocolate bar?
3/9/2013Who came up with the name ‘Viagra’?
I guess it’s supposed to sound like ‘Niagara’.
But it’s ‘Niagara Falls‘.
Better to have chosen ‘Geyser’.
‘Course that sounds too much like ‘Geezer’.
They should’ve just gone with ‘Hamburger Helper’.
3/4/2013Have you seen that show “Dogs with Jobs”?
I’ve got a companion show to pitch. “Cats on Unemployment.”
3/1/2013At every age over fifteen, more women than men receive treatment for mental health problems.
Scarey, eh? All those men walking around out there – untreated.
2/18/2013High school sucked, didn’t it.
And those were the best years of our lives.
2/14/2013They say curiosity killed the cat.
Maybe the first eight times.
The ninth time? That had to’ve been stupidity.
2/10/2013Got a donation request the other day from the Alzheimers’ Society.
And I was actually gonna write out a cheque.
But then I – forgot.
2/6/2013The companies putting CFCs into the atmosphere, wrecking the ozone, and giving us all skin cancer?
Serve us right if they were all owned by rich black people.
2/1/2013Someone once told me that the virus is the only life form that requires a higher life form in order to replicate.
They obviously forgot about men.
1/25/2013A group of hunters is protesting elk farms.
Because they’re unethical.
They’re just pissed because the farmers are taking away their fun.
Well, fair’s fair.
I say let the cows loose.
1/20/2013The word ‘wife’ first referred to those women who were captured, after the invasion and conquest of a neighbouring tribe, and brought home to be slaves. ‘To have and to hold’ is in fact a legal expression used to transfer possession of a piece of property.
In Canada, one in four wives is severely beaten during the course of the marriage; half of all wife assault victims are kicked in the abdomen when pregnant; and almost sixty percent of the women who are murdered are murdered by their husbands. And yet, get this: ninety-four percent of all women consent to get married.
1/15/2013Ya gotta love automated answering systems.
Press 1 for sales, 2 for service, and 3 if you have no short-term memory whatsoever.
1/11/2013Heard this guy say the other day that women can’t do jobs that involve heavy machinery.
What do you guys do with it all day – carry it?
Got one word for you: forklift.
1/8/2013That ‘don’t-ask-don’t-tell’ thing the military has going?
How can they face the enemy if they can’t even face homosexuality?
1/4/2013Ever see two snails chasing each other?
12/30/2012I heard someone say the other day say “Wouldn’t it be great if we could travel through time?”
Hello. We travel from yesterday to today – every day.
12/26/2012So my Christmas gift for my nephew was apparently “inappropriate”.
Explain to me why toy guns are okay, but toy thumbscrews are considered sick?
12/19/2012Have you heard –- armies use radioactive bullets.
Guess when you get hit, you glow in the dark.
So much for that brand new camouflage outfit.
12/13/2012So deer season was a couple weeks ago. I saw some guy standing in the bush a few metres off the road, waiting, rifle ready.
“You’re not gonna kill the mom and two little fawns we see around here, are you?” I asked.
“Oh, we’ll try not to!” he smiled.
What’s to try? Unload the gun.
If that’s too tricky, just put it down.
12/7/2012Each year, 100 men kill their female partners, but only 3 women kill their male partners.
I figure hey – there’s a market potential for assertiveness training seminars.
11/26/2012How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
Define ‘light bulb’.
11/22/2012How do you turn a rainforest into a desert?
Eat a hamburger.
11/19/2012What’s another word for unannounced nuclear test?
11/15/2012Why is Aunt Jemima a maid and Uncle Ben a chef?
And Mr. Clean – yeah right.
11/6/2012Speaking of washrooms, I was in one the other day. A women’s washroom. In one of the government buildings.
And as I was in one of the stalls, I happened to read the little sign on that little box. It said “For your convenience, a sanitary receptacle is provided in this cubicle. You are requested to co-operate and use it for the purpose intended.”
I’m still coming up with alternate uses for those things.
11/3/2012Why did the paranoic cross the road?
Why do you ask?
10/30/2012Why did the multiple personality cross the road?
Are you asking me?
10/29/2012Why did the hallucinating person cross the road?
To follow the chicken.
10/27/2012Why did the masochist cross the road?
He didn’t. Because the grass was greener.
10/25/2012Why did the delusional person cross the road?
Because he thought the grass was greener on the other side.
10/22/2012Why did the passive personality cross the road?
Because I told him to.
10/12/2012Did you know there’s an international law that says you can’t use weapons that cause “unnecessary suffering”?
Blowing your right leg off, that was necessary.
But the left leg, gee, I’m sorry about that, that was unnecessary, wasn’t it.
10/9/2012According to Manly Palmer Hall, “We are all healthy when we are not thinking about ourselves.”
Speak for yourself.
I’m not such a basket case that I can’t bear the thought of me.
10/4/2012Isn’t it amazing what biological research is doing for agriculture?
We have nectarines – a peach without the fuzz.
And seedless grapes – that must have been a trick.
And now “boneless chicken”.
Wouldn’t that make life in the barnyard a little difficult?
10/1/2012Women, don’t you just hate having PMS? Being all irritable and angry for a few days each month.
But hey, at least we’re not men.
They have PMS all month long.
It’s called testosterone.
The guy on the freeway leaning on his horn and slamming into you? That’s not road rage, that’s a man with PMS.
And football and hockey, all those guys smashing into each other? Guys with PMS.
And war?! They’re killing each other. I wish they’d just take their Midol already.
9/28/2012Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill said, “Clumsy!”
9/22/2012I was reading the other day about this guy, Daniel Maston, an assistant operator at the Point Lepreau Nuclear Generating Station. He was sentenced to four months for spiking the cafeteria’s juice cooler with tritiated heavy water from the reactor.
Apparently he said –- and I quote –- “I don’t have a good reason. I just did it. Maybe it was a joke.”
And we worry about terrorists stealing plutonium.
9/17/2012How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
‘That’s the janitor’s job, let him do it, he’s getting paid.’
9/14/2012Speaking of perpetual hard-ons, you know how they’re always saying they can’t control it?
Yeah right. They control 94% of the planet’s property, 96% of its politics, and 98% of its money.
But they just cannot control their own penises.
9/12/2012I saw a book the other day titled Sex Can Make You Stupid.
I laughed, but you know it’s true, isn’t it? Whenever I get really horny, I do stupid things. Really stupid things.
And then I thought, you know how men are always telling us they’ve got this perpetual hard-on? Well.
9/6/2012For most of us, loss is the difference between what you have at Time 1 and what you have at Time 2: yesterday, I had ten marbles; today, I have seven; so I lost a few – three, to be exact.
However, those in business define loss as the difference between what you get and what you might’ve gotten. So if they get ten marbles and they think they could’ve gotten a hundred, they ‘suffer a loss’ of ninety marbles.
Which means, by their own reckoning, they’ve lost quite a few more marbles than the rest of us.
8/31/2012Saw another ad, for a food demonstrator.
“Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please? This – is food.”
8/30/2012“Heard you were ill, injured, whatever –- Can I borrow your car this weekend?”
8/27/2012“I’m sorry we fought last night. I’m much more vicious during the day.”
8/21/2012Saw an ad for a poet for a greeting card company. Even submitted a portfolio.
“You light up my life. Like an oncoming train.”
8/13/2012Now that the Olympics are over, I’d like to point out that there are several sports in which we haven’t yet reached our full potential.
In water polo, as in regular polo, there should be horses involved.
In the sculls, they should narrow the lanes and let the competitors whack their opponents out of their boats.
In the steeplechase, in that pool of water at that last hurdle? We should put a crocodile in there.
The flimsy crossbar of the pole vault should be replaced with a sturdy two-by-four. Nailed in place.
And in the relay, instead of a baton, the runners should have to pass off a chicken.
8/12/2012It occurs to me that there are a few sports we just haven’t named very well.
Squash is not played with a squash.
There are no fences in fencing, no rugs in rugby.
And ‘the butterfly’ – have you ever seen what happens to a butterfly in water?
8/11/2012And you know, I don’t think the Olympic marathoners are all that impressive. You’ll notice that most of them are done in two, two-and-a-half hours.
I’ve run a marathon and I can tell you for a fact that I can keep going for another two hours. At least.
8/11/2012Have you noticed that the distance running events are almost always won by someone from Kenya, Ethiopia, or some other starving country?
See what you can do when all you’ve got to carry around is skin-and-bones?
8/10/2012Did you know they once tried a men’s synchronized swimming team?
One guy got pissed off at another guy, and then another guy got involved, next thing you know, half the team’s dead in the water.
Guess they couldn’t handle that hold-hands-and-coordinate thing.
8/9/2012You know how there are different weight classes in wrestling?
I think other sports should do that too.
For example, in the high jump, there should be a separate competitive class for short people.
8/8/2012I don’t really understand weight lifting.
People lift heavy stuff.
They don’t take it anywhere.
They don’t do anything with it.
They just pick it up — and then put it back down.
8/7/2012Know why it took a hundred years for there to be a women’s triple jump?
Because hopscotch isn’t really a challenge for us anymore.
Know what event I’d like to see?
8/7/2012And she can do it with a tennis ball in her mouth.
8/6/2012So Usain Bolt won the hundred in 9.63 seconds.
My dog can do better than that.
And she’s only six years old.
‘Course, she’s black too.
8/5/2012I heard one athlete emphasize the need to stay focused and keep his objective in mind.
How hard can that be for a sprinter?
8/4/2012How many swimmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Don’t know yet. They keep getting electrocuted.
8/3/2012Olympic athletes are especially driven.
Imagine spending years trying to throw a really heavy ball a few centimetres further than the next guy.
Now there’s a candidate for the Lifetime Achievement Award.
8/2/2012Most athletes are driven by the desire to win.
Not to win anything in particular, anything of significance, just – to win.
7/29/2012We pray to this god.
But he’s omniscient – he already knows what we’re going to say.
And it’s not like we’re going to change his mind: hey, Supreme Being and Ruler of the Universe – this is what I think should happen here.
7/25/2012Some people believe that when we die, we’re reincarnated.
But if that were true, the human population shouldn’t be increasing.
Unless there’s been a lot of pigs and cows who’ve been promoted – actually, I think I know some of them.
7/21/2012A recent poll found that almost 80% of North Americans are Christian.
They say they were born that way.
7/18/2012President Bush kept talking about his “personal relationship with Jesus.”
Which is odd, because the last time I talked to Jesus, he said he didn’t know him.
7/14/2012I don’t think they should give driver’s licences to people who believe in life after death.
7/9/2012People give $80 million a day to God. $80 million! A day!
Just what the fuck has he been doing with all that money?
And when do you think he’ll start paying taxes for roads, schools, hospitals, and stuff?
7/3/2012The state motto of Ohio is “With God, all things are possible.”
Oh yeah? Is it possible for him to create a rock so heavy he can’t lift it?
6/29/2012They say God works in mysterious ways.
Why is that again?
6/27/2012And about this so-called ‘intelligent design’.
Tornadoes don’t have guidance systems, we don’t have earlids, and pain hurts.
6/23/2012Ever wonder why God doesn’t just once and for all provide conclusive evidence that he exists? Something simple and yet – godly.
Nothing like throwing chunks of bread at us.
6/20/2012What if there is a God – and heaven is only for those bright enough to recognize there’s no proof that he exists?
6/16/2012Or maybe he exists, but he went on holiday and got lost because, like one of his favourite sons who took the forty-year desert tour, he doesn’t know how to stop and ask for directions.
(Thanks to Julian Barnes.)
6/15/2012Or maybe he does exist, but he’s abandoned us. We may have been a disappointment. Or an infectious disease.
Maybe he inherited us. Or got us for Christmas. And he’s still trying to exchange us.
6/14/2012Most people figure either God exists or he doesn’t. There are other possibilities.
Maybe he used to exist, but he doesn’t anymore. Maybe he got run over by a truck.
6/5/2012The men in Sweden don’t wear ties.
I don’t know about you, but any country in which the men don’t walk around wearing little nooses gets my vote.
Then again, given that most countries are nowhere near Sweden with regard to women in government (43%), the noose thing does provide a certain – convenience.
5/29/2012When I was at a seaside restaurant, a waiter took three dead fish on a plate to some people at one of his tables – I guess so they could choose which one they wanted.
At first I thought “Ugh!” But then I thought, well, people choose which lobster they want from a bunch swimming around in a tank.
So okay, let’s at least be consistent then. Next time someone orders weiner schnitzel, let’s bring out all the little baby calves to frolic around the table.
‘Course if they’re gonna be weiner schnitzel, they’ve been kept too weak to frolic…
5/24/2012You know how some men used to jingle coins in their pocket? “Look at me! I’m rich! I have a bunch of nickels and dimes in my pocket!” And then it became cool to carry around a lot of jangling keys. “Look at me! I’m important! I can open lots of doors!” Now, men – at least Greek men who’ve seen Lethal Weapon III – click two tied-together marbles. Over and over. Click-click. Click-click. “Look at me! I’m dangerous! I can strangle you!” I don’t know if they’re supposed to be worry beads or prayer beads or – I just call them balls-on-a-string. Teeny weeny itsy bitsy balls-on-a-string.
5/17/2012In Italy, the street people don’t ask you for money exactly – they pray for it. Literally. They kneel on the sidewalk with their little cup in front of them and pray. Hands pressed together, eyes closed, the whole bit.
So when you give them money, you’re validating their belief in – no, wait a minute, that was me who put the dollar in your cup, not God! Thanks be to me! I’m God!
5/13/2012What is this obsession with taking pictures of everything?
If you want pictures of these places, why not just buy the book?
I swear some people took pictures of the postcards.
‘Course why not – the postcards always looked better than the real thing.
5/7/2012As a species, we are so in love with ourselves, aren’t we? Almost every painting and certainly every sculpture I saw featured human subjects.
I saw a few horses, a rabbit or two, and an antelope. But they were usually dead.
Or dying a very horrible death.
‘Course it could just be that animals won’t sit still long enough.
That could also explain why they were usually dead.
5/1/2012I don’t think I was in the right mood for the Louvre. I saw this one really famous painting of a shipwreck, the main figure is on the beach, dramatically draped over crates and sails, in a pose of utter exhaustion.
And all I thought was “Oh get a grip!”
4/25/2012I got lost a lot. Even before I got to Amsterdam, I mean.
I got lost getting from the train stations to the hotels. I got lost getting from the hotels to the museums. Then I started getting lost in the museums.
It’s true. You can spend days in the Louvre.
4/17/2012I noticed there were no garbage cans along the Champs D’Elysees – anywhere.
And I thought “That’s wishful thinking.” It’s nonstop tourists.
A block later I realized they’d just said “The hell with it,” given a woman a go-cart, put a vacuum cleaner on it, and made it a full-time job.
4/10/2012Copenhagen is made for pedestrians. It has lots of pedestrian-only spaces, the streets have these really wide sidewalks, and in Copenhagen, pedestrians always have the right of way. You can be crossing the street anywhere and the cars will stop for you.
They’ll do that in Amsterdam too. Though that could be because you’re apt to be crossing the street backwards. And giggling.
But in Paris, cars always have the right of way. Even if the little green man says it’s okay to cross. Actually, in Paris, the little green man says “Okay – you can try – but –”
Florence is rather like Paris in its attitude toward pedestrians, because in Italy there are no sidewalks at all. Well, there are – but apparently they’re for cars.
4/2/2012Europe doesn’t have the junk food we do. I had a heck of a time finding Doritos.
Especially in, of all places, Amsterdam.
3/25/2012One of the shops on the Champs D’Elysees is a travel agency for Iran Air – “The Airline of the Islamic Republic of Iran”.
I’ll bet they’re not doing much business these days.
Given the tendency of Islamic pilots to fly into buildings.
3/22/2012Remember Jules Verne? The guy who went around the world in 80 days?
He didn’t have to deal with airports and train stations and ferries and buses.
3/14/2012People in business class and first class need to feel important and special.
So they get to board planes ahead of the rest of us.
Along with the other infants and small children.
3/9/2012Half the world’s population is under twenty-five. The ones who aren’t undernourished are crack babies or fetal alcohol syndrome babies or AIDS babies or babies who for no good reason reached adolescence and graduated from high school but can’t spell ‘graduated’.
Makes you want to go right out and buy one of those ‘Children are Our Future’ posters.
3/1/2012A site chosen for a nuclear power plant is two miles from an active fault line, and the blueprints for the reactors got mixed up, so the earthquake fault supports were installed backwards. Oh yeah-–we’re definitely ready for that anti-matter stuff.
2/19/2012If you’re so proud to be American, why do you wear a Canadian flag when you travel?
2/11/2012Many men express surprise and puzzlement upon hearing the words “I’m pregnant.” Apparently they have yet to connect having sex with having babies.
2/5/2012There have been over 2000 tests of nuclear weapons since World War II. You’d think we’d get it right after, say, the first couple hundred. And we haven’t figured out yet what to do with the leftover stuff. We have enough radioactive waste to contaminate all of the Earth’s lakes and rivers – twice. Canada alone has enough to stack a six foot high pile along the TransCanada Highway from coast to coast. We don’t know what to do with the stuff. But we keep making it. We tossed some of it into the ocean. But apparently it doesn’t just dissolve. We launched some of it into outer space. But now the insurance companies won’t cover our space shuttles for collision. We buried some of it in containers–that clearly won’t last as long as the stuff itself. And we used some of it to build schools and kitchen tables. Call it recycling. Our favourite way to get rid of it, however, seems to be sneaking into some other country’s back yard late at night, dumping it, and then running away.
1/26/2012We do heroic things to save whales caught in the ice with insufficient oxygen.
Otherwise, they would never get the chance to experience a long, slow death from PCB poisoning.
1/18/2012I used to run a support group for people in denial. But no one ever came.
1/12/2012The team of genetic researchers that successfully cloned a sheep from a single adult cell named the sheep “Dolly”, after a certain large-breasted country singer, because the cell had come from a mammary gland.
Grown men, brilliant men, men on the cutting edge of science, men who become headline news, are quite likely still forcing farts at the dinner table and snickering about it.
1/5/2012In the spring of 1991, Fred Turner set out from Beaufort, South Carolina, to walk across America in order to prove that most people are good.
He got as far as the state line before he was robbed and pushed off a bridge.
12/31/2011Another reason we’re too stupid to visit… We make toy guns, encouraging our kids to play at killing each other.
12/24/2011I don’t do Christmas. As Zoe Fairburns points out, “The birth of a male who thinks he’s god isn’t such a rare event.”
12/15/2011The Training Center for Subversive Warfare teaches that “Torture must be kept clean, it must not be carried out in the presence of those with sadistic tendencies, it must be carried out by some responsible person, and above all, it must be humane.” Otherwise, it would be, what, wrong?
12/7/2011The economic system used for decision-making by the United Nations, the World Bank, the International Monetary Fund, and national governments considers only cash-generating activities to be productive.
So Tendai, who lives in Zimbabwe and spends eighteen hours a day providing food, clothing, and shelter for herself and her children, is unproductive.
But Bubba, who sits on a nuclear missile for eight hours a day waiting for an order to push a button and destroy the planet – he’s productive.
11/27/2011Lieutenant General Daniel Graham once said ‘If a one megaton bomb was about to explode over this building and you had the good sense to start walking and get behind a lilac bush, that bomb would not hurt you.’
He was later chosen to be the Senior Military Advisor to the President.
11/21/2011Women, as a matter of routine, redden their lips, ornament their ears, push up their breasts, display their legs, and arch their feet. Then they get pissed off if you see them as sex objects. And they get really pissed off if you then tell they’re being irrational.
11/14/2011North Americans spend five billion dollars each year on special diets.
When it would be far cheaper to just move to Africa.
11/2/2011When AIDS became an epidemic, a certain company recalled the condoms not up to their new standards, claiming ‘a certain social responsibility’.
Apparently they were unaware that people had been using their condoms not only to prevent the transmission of disease, but also to prevent the transmission of sperm.
10/28/2011Being male is very much about being in control.
One has to wonder, therefore, why they hang their entire ‘manhood’ on some one thing over which they biologically have no voluntary control whatsoever.
(And they say they’re the logical ones.)
10/19/2011In Saudi Arabia, a woman must be accompanied by a man whenever she appears in public; otherwise, she is subject to torture.
10/14/2011In our species, sexual desire seems to induce a state of temporary idiocy. Which is why it is not particularly encouraging that the male half of the species actually brags about being in a constant state of sexual readiness.
10/7/2011The U.S. continues to puzzle over the persistence of racism.
It also continues to call the official residence of the President “The White House.”
10/5/2011Some of our best and brightest philosophers have spent years trying to convince us that time doesn’t exist.
10/1/2011A sign on a community bulletin board saying “Learn to read English–Classes held Monday nights!” was posted by the Board of Education.
9/26/2011The Annual Turing Test Competition is an event in which a panel of experts asks questions from a remote location of a bunch of computers and a bunch of people. If they can’t tell that a computer is a computer, it passes the Turing Test – it is deemed able to think. In a recent competition, some of the people failed the test.
9/22/2011A worker, no doubt somebody’s kid, accidentally dropped a socket wrench down a silo – it hit a missile causing an explosion that launched a nine megaton hydrogen bomb into a field several hundred yards away. Oops.
Because of naval mishaps, there are now nine nuclear reactors and fifty nuclear warheads on the ocean floor. Mishaps.
A nuclear bomb fell out of a U.S. bomber and landed in a Carolina swamp. It has not yet been found. Perhaps the localized proliferation of two-headed alligators should be considered a clue.
The U.S. dropped four plutonium bombs on Spain by mistake. I have to ask: four at once or on four separate occasions?
9/18/2011Many of us are too unimaginative–or too lazy–or both–to make our lives worthwhile. So we have kids. That’s our contribution to society. Genetic replications of our deficiency. This inability to find fulfillment in the here and now is shared by those who set their sights instead on some heaven. No surprise, they’re the ones with the most kids.
9/16/2011In a recent experiment involving monkeys, 13% pulled a chain electroshocking an unrelated monkey whose agony was in plain view. In a similar experiment conducted with humans, 65% administered the shock, to the point of fatality. Much to do was subsequently made about the ethics – of the experimenters.
9/12/2011We came up with the concept of ‘garbage’: stuff we don’t want here – so we put it there. All gone!
9/10/2011A while ago, McMaster University initiated a research project to study the health effects of war. Perhaps some genius hypothesized that it causes death.
9/6/2011Two bombs in a building were set to go off an hour apart, and the Mayor of the City said, “The second bomb was clearly designed to hurt the rescue workers coming to assist, so we’re dealing with a warped mind here.” Um, wouldn’t the first bomb kind of establish that?
8/31/2011It costs more than $115,000 to create a job in crude oil production. It costs only $20,000 to create a job in solar energy production. We have an unemployment problem. We have an energy problem. And we have a math problem.
8/25/2011Over half of our planet’s scientists and engineers work for the military. The other half work for Pizza Pizza. <br/><br/>
8/21/2011Men pride themselves on being objective, they champion the impersonal.
And yet they’ll do anything to win. To be, personally, number one.
8/20/2011Most men generally don’t think much of most women. And yet, they continue to oppose their joining the military, where they could easily get killed.
8/14/2011We distinguish males from females. Before we do anything else. And before we do everything else. For example, ‘Mr. Smith’ really means ‘Penis-Person Smith’. The use of such sex-identifying prefixes is considered polite.
The use of ‘Penis-Person’ – or ‘Dickhead’ – is not. Apparently.
8/9/2011We’re still trying to get our whites whiter.
8/4/2011We sentenced Socrates to death and let a number of serial killers live.
8/1/2011We put tons of carcinogens into our food, water, and air. And then spend millions of dollars looking for the cure for cancer. Oh where oh where could it be.
7/27/2011If the history of the Earth were a year, life would not appear until March, multi-cellular organisms not until November. Dinosaurs would show up on December 13, and mammals on December 15. On December 31, we’d show up. By late evening, we’d have well-developed brains. And then it’d take us 60 seconds to thoroughly trash the place.
7/23/2011Most of us still think there’s a god.
Well, okay, maybe that’s not really a problem.
We still think it’s an all-wise and all-good god.
7/20/2011Are there intelligent life forms out there in the universe?
Well yeah. No one’s visited us yet.
7/16/2011Have you noticed that more and more athletes are saying a quick prayer at the starting line?
A clear admission that you can’t possibly win without divine intervention, yeah, that’ll really psych out your opponents.
7/4/2011A contraceptive pill designed for men was rejected because of the negative side-effect of reducing their sex drive.
Given the reason for taking the pill, wouldn’t that have been a positive side-effect?