funny bits – that keep on coming – one a day – sort of – (many of which are on tshirts, mugs, fridge magnets, etc in my cafepress shop)
6/12/2013
Pitch for a sci-fi movie: A plague kills all the women on Earth except five, who manage to escape infection. On these five depend the continuation of the human species.
And when the men find them, it takes all of fifteen minutes to rape them to death.
(A very short sci-fi movie.)6/3/2013
What’s scary about the development of intelligent computers or biochemical roots is not that they might some day pass whatever test we come up with to determine if they meet the criteria for being a conscious human being.
What’s scary is that on that day, a good number of the rest of us might not.5/24/2013
I guess there’s nothing wrong with believing there’s life after death.
Unless, of course, you’re my surgeon!5/20/2013
Chapter 2 of Kings says that God arranged to have 42 children killed by bears because they teased a bald guy.
I betcha God’s bald.5/16/2013
Research continues to show that the older you get, the less likely you are to get married.
Well yeah. Because the older you get, the less likely you are to be deluded.5/13/2013
I once saw three big fish in a teeny little front yard pond.
Must’ve taken a whole two seconds for Bob to swim from one end to the other, passing Harry, and back, passing Joe.
I sure hope all three have that short-term memory thing where you can’t remember what you just did.5/9/2013
One of the biggest problems facing humanity today is how to get rid of the men. I have the solution. We turn them into women.
Most of them will then kill themselves, unable to deal with their new subordinate status.5/3/2013
I read the other day about the new proposed crime, “negligent rape”, in which a man fails to notice a woman’s lack of consent.
Guys. How can you fail to notice “GET THE FUCK OFF ME!”?4/26/2013
It’s always pissed me off how men seem to make every little thing they do so important. They put on such a serious face. Even if they’re just tying their shoelaces.
Turns out I’ve been giving them way too much credit. They’re not conveying importance. They’re just concentrating really really hard.4/19/2013
I was reading the other day about cave art, how there are a lot more pictures of animals drawn in profile and than in frontal view. Apparently because the frontal view is a sophisticated perspective requiring cognitive skills present only in more evolved brains.
There’s a simpler explanation. The guys who actually saw a woolly mammoth head-on? They died.4/13/2013
According to Biblical accounts, God’s commanded the deaths of 185,000 Assyrians, 120,000 Midianites, 120,000 Judeans, 100,000 Syrians, 24,000 Israelites, and 10,000 Moabites.
Now, he’s obviously rounding off to the nearest thousand, and I have to tell you, that lack of attention to detail bothers me.4/7/2013
“Y’know why women can’t play poker?” this guy asked me once.
“’Cuz they’re no good at bluffing.”
Well, I guess you’ve never had sex with a woman then, eh?4/3/2013
George Carlin with Tourette’s Syndrome:
“Republican! Priest!”3/26/2013
The Bible continues to appear on bestseller lists even though the plot is repetitious, the characters are unlikeable, the dialogue, unrealistic, and the tone, juvenile.
And much of it just fucking doesn’t make sense: “Wherefore my sentence is, that we trouble not them, which from among the Gentiles are turned to God” (Acts 15:19). What?3/21/2013
All those women in tv ads that are so happy that their eyelashes can now be ultra-curled, ultra-lengthened, and ultra-thickened — if my eyes were that vacant, I sure wouldn’t want to draw attention to them.
No wait a minute. If I were that vacant — I guess I would.3/14/2013
Have you seen those extra large chocolate bars with the re-sealable packages?
Why would you need a re-sealable package on a chocolate bar?3/9/2013
Who came up with the name ‘Viagra’?
I guess it’s supposed to sound like ‘Niagara’.
But it’s ‘Niagara Falls‘.
Better to have chosen ‘Geyser’.
‘Course that sounds too much like ‘Geezer’.
They should’ve just gone with ‘Hamburger Helper’.3/4/2013
Have you seen that show “Dogs with Jobs”?
I’ve got a companion show to pitch. “Cats on Unemployment.”3/1/2013
At every age over fifteen, more women than men receive treatment for mental health problems.
Scarey, eh? All those men walking around out there – untreated.2/18/2013
High school sucked, didn’t it.
And those were the best years of our lives.2/14/2013
They say curiosity killed the cat.
Maybe the first eight times.
The ninth time? That had to’ve been stupidity.2/10/2013
Got a donation request the other day from the Alzheimers’ Society.
And I was actually gonna write out a cheque.
But then I – forgot.2/6/2013
The companies putting CFCs into the atmosphere, wrecking the ozone, and giving us all skin cancer?
Serve us right if they were all owned by rich black people.2/1/2013
Someone once told me that the virus is the only life form that requires a higher life form in order to replicate.
They obviously forgot about men.1/25/2013
A group of hunters is protesting elk farms.
Because they’re unethical.
Right.
They’re just pissed because the farmers are taking away their fun.
Well, fair’s fair.
I say let the cows loose.1/20/2013
The word ‘wife’ first referred to those women who were captured, after the invasion and conquest of a neighbouring tribe, and brought home to be slaves. ‘To have and to hold’ is in fact a legal expression used to transfer possession of a piece of property.
In Canada, one in four wives is severely beaten during the course of the marriage; half of all wife assault victims are kicked in the abdomen when pregnant; and almost sixty percent of the women who are murdered are murdered by their husbands. And yet, get this: ninety-four percent of all women consent to get married.1/15/2013
Ya gotta love automated answering systems.
Press 1 for sales, 2 for service, and 3 if you have no short-term memory whatsoever.1/11/2013
Heard this guy say the other day that women can’t do jobs that involve heavy machinery.
What do you guys do with it all day – carry it?
Got one word for you: forklift.1/8/2013
That ‘don’t-ask-don’t-tell’ thing the military has going?
How can they face the enemy if they can’t even face homosexuality?1/4/2013
Ever see two snails chasing each other?12/30/2012
I heard someone say the other day say “Wouldn’t it be great if we could travel through time?”
Hello. We travel from yesterday to today – every day.12/26/2012
So my Christmas gift for my nephew was apparently “inappropriate”.
Explain to me why toy guns are okay, but toy thumbscrews are considered sick?12/19/2012
Have you heard –- armies use radioactive bullets.
Guess when you get hit, you glow in the dark.
So much for that brand new camouflage outfit.12/13/2012
So deer season was a couple weeks ago. I saw some guy standing in the bush a few metres off the road, waiting, rifle ready.
“You’re not gonna kill the mom and two little fawns we see around here, are you?” I asked.
“Oh, we’ll try not to!” he smiled.
What’s to try? Unload the gun.
If that’s too tricky, just put it down.
Dumfucks.12/7/2012
Each year, 100 men kill their female partners, but only 3 women kill their male partners.
I figure hey – there’s a market potential for assertiveness training seminars.11/26/2012
How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
Define ‘light bulb’.11/22/2012
How do you turn a rainforest into a desert?
Eat a hamburger.11/19/2012
What’s another word for unannounced nuclear test?
Accident.11/15/2012
Why is Aunt Jemima a maid and Uncle Ben a chef?
And Mr. Clean – yeah right.11/6/2012
Speaking of washrooms, I was in one the other day. A women’s washroom. In one of the government buildings.
And as I was in one of the stalls, I happened to read the little sign on that little box. It said “For your convenience, a sanitary receptacle is provided in this cubicle. You are requested to co-operate and use it for the purpose intended.”
I’m still coming up with alternate uses for those things.11/3/2012
Why did the paranoic cross the road?
Why do you ask?10/30/2012
Why did the multiple personality cross the road?
Are you asking me?10/29/2012
Why did the hallucinating person cross the road?
To follow the chicken.10/27/2012
Why did the masochist cross the road?
He didn’t. Because the grass was greener.10/25/2012
Why did the delusional person cross the road?
Because he thought the grass was greener on the other side.10/22/2012
Why did the passive personality cross the road?
Because I told him to.10/12/2012
Did you know there’s an international law that says you can’t use weapons that cause “unnecessary suffering”?
Blowing your right leg off, that was necessary.
But the left leg, gee, I’m sorry about that, that was unnecessary, wasn’t it.10/9/2012
According to Manly Palmer Hall, “We are all healthy when we are not thinking about ourselves.”
Speak for yourself.
I’m not such a basket case that I can’t bear the thought of me.10/4/2012
Isn’t it amazing what biological research is doing for agriculture?
We have nectarines – a peach without the fuzz.
And seedless grapes – that must have been a trick.
And now “boneless chicken”.
Wouldn’t that make life in the barnyard a little difficult?10/1/2012
Women, don’t you just hate having PMS? Being all irritable and angry for a few days each month.
But hey, at least we’re not men.
They have PMS all month long.
It’s called testosterone.
The guy on the freeway leaning on his horn and slamming into you? That’s not road rage, that’s a man with PMS.
And football and hockey, all those guys smashing into each other? Guys with PMS.
And war?! They’re killing each other. I wish they’d just take their Midol already.9/28/2012
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill said, “Clumsy!”9/22/2012
I was reading the other day about this guy, Daniel Maston, an assistant operator at the Point Lepreau Nuclear Generating Station. He was sentenced to four months for spiking the cafeteria’s juice cooler with tritiated heavy water from the reactor.
Apparently he said –- and I quote –- “I don’t have a good reason. I just did it. Maybe it was a joke.”
And we worry about terrorists stealing plutonium.9/17/2012
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
‘That’s the janitor’s job, let him do it, he’s getting paid.’9/14/2012
Speaking of perpetual hard-ons, you know how they’re always saying they can’t control it?
Yeah right. They control 94% of the planet’s property, 96% of its politics, and 98% of its money.
But they just cannot control their own penises.9/12/2012
I saw a book the other day titled Sex Can Make You Stupid.
I laughed, but you know it’s true, isn’t it? Whenever I get really horny, I do stupid things. Really stupid things.
And then I thought, you know how men are always telling us they’ve got this perpetual hard-on? Well.9/6/2012
For most of us, loss is the difference between what you have at Time 1 and what you have at Time 2: yesterday, I had ten marbles; today, I have seven; so I lost a few – three, to be exact.
However, those in business define loss as the difference between what you get and what you might’ve gotten. So if they get ten marbles and they think they could’ve gotten a hundred, they ‘suffer a loss’ of ninety marbles.
Which means, by their own reckoning, they’ve lost quite a few more marbles than the rest of us.8/31/2012
Saw another ad, for a food demonstrator.
“Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please? This – is food.”8/30/2012
“Heard you were ill, injured, whatever –- Can I borrow your car this weekend?”8/27/2012
“I’m sorry we fought last night. I’m much more vicious during the day.”8/21/2012
Saw an ad for a poet for a greeting card company. Even submitted a portfolio.
“You light up my life. Like an oncoming train.”8/13/2012
Now that the Olympics are over, I’d like to point out that there are several sports in which we haven’t yet reached our full potential.
In water polo, as in regular polo, there should be horses involved.
In the sculls, they should narrow the lanes and let the competitors whack their opponents out of their boats.
In the steeplechase, in that pool of water at that last hurdle? We should put a crocodile in there.
The flimsy crossbar of the pole vault should be replaced with a sturdy two-by-four. Nailed in place.
And in the relay, instead of a baton, the runners should have to pass off a chicken.8/12/2012
It occurs to me that there are a few sports we just haven’t named very well.
Squash is not played with a squash.
There are no fences in fencing, no rugs in rugby.
And ‘the butterfly’ – have you ever seen what happens to a butterfly in water?8/11/2012
And you know, I don’t think the Olympic marathoners are all that impressive. You’ll notice that most of them are done in two, two-and-a-half hours.
I’ve run a marathon and I can tell you for a fact that I can keep going for another two hours. At least.8/11/2012
Have you noticed that the distance running events are almost always won by someone from Kenya, Ethiopia, or some other starving country?
See what you can do when all you’ve got to carry around is skin-and-bones?8/10/2012
Did you know they once tried a men’s synchronized swimming team?
One guy got pissed off at another guy, and then another guy got involved, next thing you know, half the team’s dead in the water.
Guess they couldn’t handle that hold-hands-and-coordinate thing.8/9/2012
You know how there are different weight classes in wrestling?
I think other sports should do that too.
For example, in the high jump, there should be a separate competitive class for short people.8/8/2012
I don’t really understand weight lifting.
People lift heavy stuff.
They don’t take it anywhere.
They don’t do anything with it.
They just pick it up — and then put it back down.8/7/2012
Know why it took a hundred years for there to be a women’s triple jump?
Because hopscotch isn’t really a challenge for us anymore.
Know what event I’d like to see?
Men’s double-dutch.8/7/2012
And she can do it with a tennis ball in her mouth.8/6/2012
So Usain Bolt won the hundred in 9.63 seconds.
My dog can do better than that.
And she’s only six years old.
‘Course, she’s black too.8/5/2012
I heard one athlete emphasize the need to stay focused and keep his objective in mind.
How hard can that be for a sprinter?8/4/2012
How many swimmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Don’t know yet. They keep getting electrocuted.8/3/2012
Olympic athletes are especially driven.
Imagine spending years trying to throw a really heavy ball a few centimetres further than the next guy.
Now there’s a candidate for the Lifetime Achievement Award.8/2/2012
Most athletes are driven by the desire to win.
Not to win anything in particular, anything of significance, just – to win.7/29/2012
We pray to this god.
But he’s omniscient – he already knows what we’re going to say.
And it’s not like we’re going to change his mind: hey, Supreme Being and Ruler of the Universe – this is what I think should happen here.7/25/2012
Some people believe that when we die, we’re reincarnated.
But if that were true, the human population shouldn’t be increasing.
Unless there’s been a lot of pigs and cows who’ve been promoted – actually, I think I know some of them.7/21/2012
A recent poll found that almost 80% of North Americans are Christian.
They say they were born that way.7/18/2012
President Bush kept talking about his “personal relationship with Jesus.”
Which is odd, because the last time I talked to Jesus, he said he didn’t know him.7/14/2012
I don’t think they should give driver’s licences to people who believe in life after death.7/9/2012
People give $80 million a day to God. $80 million! A day!
Just what the fuck has he been doing with all that money?
And when do you think he’ll start paying taxes for roads, schools, hospitals, and stuff?7/3/2012
The state motto of Ohio is “With God, all things are possible.”
Oh yeah? Is it possible for him to create a rock so heavy he can’t lift it?6/29/2012
They say God works in mysterious ways.
Why is that again?6/27/2012
And about this so-called ‘intelligent design’.
Tornadoes don’t have guidance systems, we don’t have earlids, and pain hurts.6/23/2012
Ever wonder why God doesn’t just once and for all provide conclusive evidence that he exists? Something simple and yet – godly.
Nothing like throwing chunks of bread at us.6/20/2012
What if there is a God – and heaven is only for those bright enough to recognize there’s no proof that he exists?6/16/2012
Or maybe he exists, but he went on holiday and got lost because, like one of his favourite sons who took the forty-year desert tour, he doesn’t know how to stop and ask for directions.
(Thanks to Julian Barnes.)6/15/2012
Or maybe he does exist, but he’s abandoned us. We may have been a disappointment. Or an infectious disease.
Maybe he inherited us. Or got us for Christmas. And he’s still trying to exchange us.6/14/2012
Most people figure either God exists or he doesn’t. There are other possibilities.
Maybe he used to exist, but he doesn’t anymore. Maybe he got run over by a truck.6/5/2012
The men in Sweden don’t wear ties.
I don’t know about you, but any country in which the men don’t walk around wearing little nooses gets my vote.
Then again, given that most countries are nowhere near Sweden with regard to women in government (43%), the noose thing does provide a certain – convenience.5/29/2012
When I was at a seaside restaurant, a waiter took three dead fish on a plate to some people at one of his tables – I guess so they could choose which one they wanted.
At first I thought “Ugh!” But then I thought, well, people choose which lobster they want from a bunch swimming around in a tank.
So okay, let’s at least be consistent then. Next time someone orders weiner schnitzel, let’s bring out all the little baby calves to frolic around the table.
‘Course if they’re gonna be weiner schnitzel, they’ve been kept too weak to frolic…5/24/2012
You know how some men used to jingle coins in their pocket? “Look at me! I’m rich! I have a bunch of nickels and dimes in my pocket!”
And then it became cool to carry around a lot of jangling keys. “Look at me! I’m important! I can open lots of doors!”
Now, men – at least Greek men who’ve seen Lethal Weapon III – click two tied-together marbles. Over and over. Click-click. Click-click. “Look at me! I’m dangerous! I can strangle you!”
I don’t know if they’re supposed to be worry beads or prayer beads or – I just call them balls-on-a-string. Teeny little itsy bitsy balls-on-a-string.5/17/2012
In Italy, the street people don’t ask you for money exactly – they pray for it. Literally. They kneel on the sidewalk with their little cup in front of them and pray. Hands pressed together, eyes closed, the whole bit.
So when you give them money, you’re validating their belief in – no, wait a minute, that was me who put the dollar in your cup, not God! Thanks be to me! I’m God!5/13/2012
What is this obsession with taking pictures of everything?
If you want pictures of these places, why not just buy the book?
I swear some people took pictures of the postcards.
‘Course why not – the postcards always looked better than the real thing.5/7/2012
As a species, we are so in love with ourselves, aren’t we? Almost every painting and certainly every sculpture I saw featured human subjects.
I saw a few horses, a rabbit or two, and an antelope. But they were usually dead.
Or dying a very horrible death.
‘Course it could just be that animals won’t sit still long enough.
That could also explain why they were usually dead.5/1/2012
I don’t think I was in the right mood for the Louvre. I saw this one really famous painting of a shipwreck, the main figure is on the beach, dramatically draped over crates and sails, in a pose of utter exhaustion.
And all I thought was “Oh get a grip!”4/25/2012
I got lost a lot. Even before I got to Amsterdam, I mean.
I got lost getting from the train stations to the hotels. I got lost getting from the hotels to the museums. Then I started getting lost in the museums.
It’s true. You can spend days in the Louvre.4/17/2012
I noticed there were no garbage cans along the Champs D’Elysees – anywhere.
And I thought “That’s wishful thinking.” It’s nonstop tourists.
A block later I realized they’d just said “The hell with it,” given a woman a go-cart, put a vacuum cleaner on it, and made it a full-time job.4/10/2012
Copenhagen is made for pedestrians. It has lots of pedestrian-only spaces, the streets have these really wide sidewalks, and in Copenhagen, pedestrians always have the right of way. You can be crossing the street anywhere and the cars will stop for you.
They’ll do that in Amsterdam too. Though that could be because you’re apt to be crossing the street backwards. And giggling.
But in Paris, cars always have the right of way. Even if the little green man says it’s okay to cross. Actually, in Paris, the little green man says “Okay – you can try – but –”
Florence is rather like Paris in its attitude toward pedestrians, because in Italy there are no sidewalks at all. Well, there are – but apparently they’re for cars.4/2/2012
Europe doesn’t have the junk food we do. I had a heck of a time finding Doritos.
Especially in, of all places, Amsterdam.3/25/2012
One of the shops on the Champs D’Elysees is a travel agency for Iran Air – “The Airline of the Islamic Republic of Iran”.
I’ll bet they’re not doing much business these days.
Given the tendency of Islamic pilots to fly into buildings.3/22/2012
Remember Jules Verne? The guy who went around the world in 80 days?
He didn’t have to deal with airports and train stations and ferries.3/14/2012
People in business class and first class need to feel important and special.
So they get to board planes ahead of the rest of us.
Along with the other infants and small children.3/9/2012
Half the world’s population is under twenty-five. The ones who aren’t undernourished are crack babies or fetal alcohol syndrome babies or AIDS babies or babies who for no good reason reached adolescence and graduated from high school but can’t spell ‘graduated’.
Makes you want to go right out and buy one of those ‘Children are Our Future’ posters.3/1/2012
A site chosen for a nuclear power plant is two miles from an active fault line, and the blueprints for the reactors got mixed up, so the earthquake fault supports were installed backwards.
Oh yeah-–we’re definitely ready for that anti-matter stuff.2/19/2012
If you’re so proud to be American, why do you wear a Canadian flag when you travel?2/11/2012
Many men express surprise and puzzlement upon hearing the words “I’m pregnant.”
Apparently many of us still haven’t connected having sex with having babies.2/5/2012
There have been over 1900 tests of nuclear weapons since World War II. You’d think we’d get it right after, say, the first couple hundred.
And we haven’t figured out yet what to do with the leftover stuff. We have enough radioactive waste to contaminate all of the Earth’s lakes and rivers – twice. Canada alone has enough to stack a six foot high pile along the TransCanada Highway from coast to coast. We don’t know what to do with the stuff. But we keep making it.
We tossed some of it into the ocean. But apparently it doesn’t just dissolve. We launched some of it into outer space. But now the insurance companies won’t cover our space shuttles for collision. We buried some of it in containers–that clearly won’t last as long as the stuff itself. And we used some of it to build schools and kitchen tables. Call it recycling. Our favourite way to get rid of it, however, seems to be sneaking into some other country’s back yard late at night, dumping it, and then running away.1/26/2012
We do heroic things to save whales caught in the ice with insufficient oxygen.
Otherwise, they would never get the chance to experience a long, slow death from PCB poisoning.1/18/2012
I used to run a support group for people in denial.
But no one ever came.1/12/2012
The team of genetic researchers that successfully cloned a sheep from a single adult cell named the sheep “Dolly”, after a certain large-breasted country singer, because the cell had come from a mammary gland.
Grown men, brilliant men, men on the cutting edge of science, men who become headline news, are quite likely still forcing farts at the dinner table and snickering about it.1/5/2012
In the spring of 1991, Fred Turner set out from Beaufort, South Carolina, to walk across America in order to prove that most people are good.
He got as far as the state line before he was robbed and pushed off a bridge.12/31/2011
Another reason we’re too stupid to visit…
We make toy guns, encouraging our kids to play at killing each other.12/24/2011
I don’t do Christmas.
As Zoe Fairburns points out, “The birth of a male who thinks he’s god isn’t such a rare event.”12/15/2011
The Training Center for Subversive Warfare teaches that “Torture must be kept clean, it must not be carried out in the presence of those with sadistic tendencies, it must be carried out by some responsible person, and above all, it must be humane.”
Otherwise, it would be, what, wrong?12/7/2011
The economic system used for decision-making by the United Nations, the World Bank, the International Monetary Fund, and national governments considers only cash-generating activities to be productive.
So Tendai, who lives in Zimbabwe and spends eighteen hours a day providing food, clothing, and shelter for herself and her children, is unproductive.
But Bubba, who sits on a nuclear missile for eight hours a day waiting for an order to push a button and destroy the planet – he’s productive.11/27/2011
Lieutenant General Daniel Graham once said ‘If a one megaton bomb was about to explode over this building and you had the good sense to start walking and get behind a lilac bush, that bomb would not hurt you.’He was later chosen to be the Senior Military Advisor to the President.
11/21/2011
Women, as a matter of routine, redden their lips, ornament their ears, push up their breasts, display their legs, and arch their feet.
Then they get pissed off if you see them as sex objects.
And they get really pissed off if you then tell they’re being irrational.11/14/2011
North Americans spend five billion dollars each year on special diets.
When it would be far cheaper to just move to Africa.11/2/2011
When AIDS became an epidemic, a certain company recalled the condoms not up to their new standards, claiming ‘a certain social responsibility’.
Apparently they were unaware that people had been using their condoms not only to prevent the transmission of disease, but also to prevent the transmission of sperm.10/28/2011
Being male is very much about being in control.
One has to wonder, therefore, why they hang their entire ‘manhood’ on some one thing over which they biologically have no voluntary control whatsoever.
(And they say they’re the logical ones.)10/19/2011
In Saudi Arabia, a woman must be accompanied by a man whenever she appears in public; otherwise, she is subject to torture.
Otherwise?10/14/2011
In our species, sexual desire seems to induce a state of temporary idiocy. Which is why it is not particularly encouraging that the male half of the species actually brags about being in a constant state of sexual readiness.10/7/2011
The U.S. continues to puzzle over the persistence of racism.
It also continues to call the official residence of the President “The White House.”10/5/2011
Some of our best and brightest philosophers have spent years trying to convince us that time doesn’t exist.10/1/2011
A sign on a community bulletin board saying “Learn to read English–Classes held Monday nights!” was posted by the Board of Education.9/26/2011
The Annual Turing Test Competition is an event in which a panel of experts asks questions from a remote location of a bunch of computers and a bunch of people. If they can’t tell that a computer is a computer, it passes the Turing Test – it is deemed able to think.
In a recent competition, some of the people failed the test.9/22/2011
A worker, no doubt somebody’s kid, accidentally dropped a socket wrench down a silo – it hit a missile causing an explosion that launched a nine megaton hydrogen bomb into a field several hundred yards away. Oops.
Because of naval mishaps, there are now nine nuclear reactors and fifty nuclear warheads on the ocean floor. Mishaps.
A nuclear bomb fell out of a U.S. bomber and landed in a Carolina swamp. It has not yet been found. Perhaps the localized proliferation of two-headed alligators should be considered a clue.
The U.S. dropped four plutonium bombs on Spain by mistake. I have to ask: four at once or on four separate occasions?9/18/2011
Many of us are too unimaginative–or too lazy–or both–to make our lives worthwhile. So we have kids. That’s our contribution to society. Genetic replications of our deficiency.
This inability to find fulfillment in the here and now is shared by those who set their sights instead on some heaven. No surprise, they’re the ones with the most kids.9/16/2011
In a recent experiment involving monkeys, 13% pulled a chain electroshocking an unrelated monkey whose agony was in plain view. In a similar experiment conducted with humans, 65% administered the shock, to the point of fatality.
Much to do was subsequently made about the ethics – of the experimenters.9/12/2011
We came up with the concept of ‘garbage’: stuff we don’t want here – so we put it there. All gone!9/10/2011
McMaster University initiated a research project to study the health effects of war.
Perhaps some genius hypothesized that it causes death.9/6/2011
Two bombs in a building were set to go off an hour apart, and the Mayor of the City said, “The second bomb was clearly designed to hurt the rescue workers coming to assist, so we’re dealing with a warped mind here.”
Um, wouldn’t the first bomb kind of establish that?8/31/2011
It costs more than $115,000 to create a job in crude oil production. It costs only $20,000 to create a job in solar energy production. We have an unemployment problem. We have an energy problem.
And we have a math problem.8/25/2011
Over half of our planet’s scientists and engineers work for the military.
The other half work for Pizza Pizza.8/21/2011
Men pride themselves on being objective, they champion the impersonal.
And yet they’ll do anything to win. To be, personally, number one.8/20/2011
Most men generally don’t think much of most women.
And yet, they continue to prohibit them from joining the military, where they could easily get killed.8/14/2011
We distinguish males from females. Before we do anything else. And before we do everything else. For example, ‘Mr. Smith’ really means ‘Penis-Person Smith’. The use of such sex-identifying prefixes is considered polite.
The use of ‘Penis-Person’ – or ‘Dickhead’ – is not. Apparently.8/9/2011
We’re still trying to get our whites whiter.8/4/2011
We sentenced Socrates to death and let a number of serial killers live.8/1/2011
We put tons of carcinogens into our food, water, and air.
And then spend millions of dollars looking for the cure for cancer.
Oh where oh where could it be.7/27/2011
If the history of the Earth were a year, life would not appear until March, multi-cellular organisms not until November. Dinosaurs would show up on December 13, and mammals on December 15. On December 31, we’d show up. By late evening, we’d have well-developed brains.
And then it’d take us 60 seconds to thoroughly trash the place.7/23/2011
Most of us still think there’s a god.
Well, okay, maybe that’s not really a problem.
We still think it’s an all-wise and all-good god.7/20/2011
Are there intelligent life forms out there in the universe?
Well yeah. No one’s visited us yet.7/16/2011
Have you noticed that more and more athletes are saying a quick prayer at the starting line?
A clear admission that you can’t possibly win without divine intervention, yeah, that’ll really psych out your opponents.7/4/2011
A contraceptive pill designed for men was rejected because of the negative side-effect of reducing their sex drive.
Given the reason for taking the pill, wouldn’t that have been a positive side-effect?
