Are there intelligent life forms out there in the universe?
Well yeah. No one's visited us yet.
*****
If the history of the Earth were a year, life would not appear until March, multi-cellular organisms not until November. Dinosaurs would show up on December 13, and mammals on December 15. On December 31, we'd show up. By late evening, we'd have well-developed brains.
And then it'd take us 60 seconds to thoroughly trash the place.
*****
We put tons of carcinogens into our food, water, and air.
And then spend millions of dollars looking for the cure for cancer.
Oh where oh where could it be.
*****
We sentenced Socrates to death and let a number of serial killers live.
*****
We're still trying to get our whites whiter.
*****
We distinguish males from females. Before we do anything else. And before we do everything else. For example, 'Mr. Smith' really means 'Penis-Person Smith'. The use of such sex-identifying prefixes is considered polite. The use of 'Penis-Person' � or 'Dickhead' � is not. Apparently.
*****
Most men generally don't think much of most women.
And yet, they continue to prohibit them from joining the military, where they could easily get killed.
*****
Men pride themselves on being objective, they champion the impersonal.
And yet they�ll do anything to win. To be, personally, number one.
*****
It costs more than $115,000 to create a job in crude oil production. It costs only $20,000 to create a job in solar energy production. We have an unemployment problem. We have an energy problem.
And we have a math problem.
*****
We came up with the concept of 'garbage': stuff we don't want here � so we put it there. All gone!
*****
This is our defence policy: I'll hit you so you can't hit me so I can't hit you so you can't hit me...
*****
Our foreign aid policy goes something like this: the adults are too weak to do much of anything and the kids are so malnutritioned they're mentally retarded�but hey, let's give them just enough food they can keep on reproducing, a million new kids every three weeks.
*****
A contraceptive pill designed for men was rejected because of the negative side-effect of reducing their sex drive.
Given the reason for taking the pill, wouldn't that have been a positive side-effect?
*****
We live in a world in which countries routinely sell weapons to their enemies: "Hey you. Yeah you. I'm gonna blow your face off. Yeah. What? You got nothin' to fight with? Hey Vinny, sell the man one of your bazookas. No, not that one, the other one. Yeah. Well he can pay us later. Put him on our don't-pay-till-May plan. Okay? You all set now? Okay then. Now I'm gonna blow your face off."
*****
McMaster University initiated a research project to study the health effects of war.
Perhaps some genius hypothesized that it causes death.
*****
In a recent experiment involving monkeys, 13% pulled a chain electroshocking an unrelated monkey whose agony was in plain view. In a similar experiment conducted with humans, 65% administered the shock, to the point of fatality.
Much to do was subsequently made about the ethics � of the experimenters.
*****
Many of us are too unimaginative�or too lazy�or both�to make our lives worthwhile. So we have kids. That's our contribution to society. Genetic replications of our deficiency.
This inability to find fulfillment in the here and now is shared by those who set their sights on some heaven. No surprise, they're the ones with the most kids.
*****
A worker, no doubt somebody's kid, accidentally dropped a socket wrench down a silo � it hit a missile causing an explosion that launched a nine megaton hydrogen bomb into a field several hundred yards away. Oops.
Because of naval mishaps, there are now nine nuclear reactors and fifty nuclear warheads on the ocean floor. Mishaps.
A nuclear bomb fell out of a U.S. bomber and landed in a Carolina swamp. It has not yet been found. Perhaps the localized proliferation of two-headed alligators should be considered a clue.
The U.S. dropped four plutonium bombs on Spain by mistake. I have to ask: four at once or on four separate occasions?
*****
The Annual Turing Test Competition is an event in which a panel of experts asks questions from a remote location of a bunch of computers and a bunch of people. If they can't tell that a computer is a computer, it passes the Turing Test � it is deemed able to think.
*****
In a recent competition, some of the people failed the test.
*****
A sign on a community bulletin board saying "Learn to read English�Classes held Monday nights!" was posted by the Board of Education.
*****
Some of our best and brightest philosophers have spent years trying to convince us that time doesn't exist.
*****
The U.S. continues to puzzle over the persistence of racism. It also continues to call the official residence of the President "The White House."
*****
In our species, sexual desire seems to induce a state of temporary idiocy. Which is why it is not particularly encouraging that the male half of the species actually brags about being in a constant state of sexual readiness.
*****
Lieutenant General Daniel Graham once said 'If a one megaton bomb was about to explode over this building and you had the good sense to start walking and get behind a lilac bush, that bomb would not hurt you.' He was later chosen to be the Senior Military Advisor to the President.
*****
In Saudi Arabia, a woman must be accompanied by a man whenever she appears in public; otherwise, she is subject to torture.
Otherwise?
*****
North Americans spend five billion dollars each year on special diets. When it would be far cheaper to just move to Africa.
*****
One of our richest banks sponsors the World Cross-Country Championship and watches runners from Kenya and Ethiopia, two countries crippled by debt interest and therefore starving, compete against each other � for the $100,000 that's dangling at the finish line.
*****
The economic system used for decision-making by the United Nations, the World Bank, the International Monetary Fund, and national governments considers only cash-generating activities to be productive. So Tendai, who lives in Zimbabwe and spends eighteen hours a day providing food, clothing, and shelter for herself and her children, is unproductive. But Bubba, who sits on a nuclear missile for eight hours a day waiting for an order to push a button and destroy the planet � he's productive.
*****
For most of us, loss is the difference between what you have at Time 1 and what you have at Time 2: yesterday, I had ten marbles; today, I have seven; so I lost a few�three, to be exact.
However, those in business define loss as the difference between what you get and what you might've gotten. So if they get ten marbles and they think they could've gotten a hundred, they 'suffer a loss' of ninety marbles.
Which means, by their own reckoning, they've lost quite a few more marbles than the rest of us.
*****
Being male is very much about being in control.
One has to wonder, therefore, why they hang their entire 'manhood' on some one thing over which they biologically have no voluntary control whatsoever.
(And they say they're the logical ones.)
*****
When AIDS became an epidemic, a certain company recalled the condoms not up to their new standards, claiming 'a certain social responsibility'.
Apparently they were unaware that people had been using their condoms not only to prevent the transmission of disease, but also to prevent the transmission of sperm.
*****
One country, fearing the loss of cheap oil, which happened to be located in another country, dropped bombs on that country, seeming to forget for a moment that oil was, well, flammable.
Not to worry. The other country remembered: fearing the loss of control over their oil, they set fire to it.
*****
The Training Center for Subversive Warfare teaches that "Torture must be kept clean, it must not be carried out in the presence of those with sadistic tendencies, it must be carried out by some responsible person, and above all, it must be humane."
Otherwise, it would be, what, wrong?
*****
A significant number of us also seems to consider gaybashing a sport: "Queers are disgusting! men touching other men, that's really sick!"
So yeah, go beat 'em up. Get real close and touch 'em all over.
"And AIDS is their fault, they should be quarantined!"
Maybe you can split a lip or bloody a nose � exchange a few bodily fluids while you're at it.
*****
Women, as a matter of routine, redden their lips, ornament their ears, push up their breasts, display their legs, and arch their feet.
Then they get pissed off if you see them as sex objects.
And they get really pissed off if you then tell they're being irrational.
*****
The word 'wife' first referred to those women who were captured, after the invasion and conquest of a neighbouring tribe, and brought home to be slaves. 'To have and to hold' is in fact a legal expression used to transfer possession of a piece of property. In Canada, one in four wives is severely beaten during the course of the marriage; half of all wife assault victims are kicked in the abdomen when pregnant; and almost sixty percent of the women who are murdered are murdered by their husband.
And yet, get this: ninety-four percent of all women consent to get married.
*****
The team of genetic researchers that successfully cloned a sheep from a single adult cell named the sheep "Dolly", after a certain large-breasted country singer, because that cell had come from a mammary gland. Grown men, brilliant men, men on the cutting edge of science, men who become headline news, are quite likely still forcing farts at the dinner table and snickering about it.
*****
Two bombs in a building were set to go off an hour apart, and the Mayor of the City said, "The second bomb was clearly designed to hurt the rescue workers coming to assist, so we're dealing with a warped mind here."
Um, wouldn't the first bomb kind of establish that?
*****
Many men express surprise and puzzlement upon hearing the words "I'm pregnant."
Apparently many of us still haven't connected having sex with having babies.
*****
Half the world's population is under twenty-five. The ones who aren't undernourished are crack babies or fetal alcohol syndrome babies or AIDS babies or babies who for no good reason reached adolescence and graduated from high school but can't spell 'graduated'.
Makes you want to go right out and buy one of those 'Children are Our Future' posters.
*****
In the spring of 1991, Fred Turner set out from Beaufort, South Carolina, to walk across America in order to prove that most people are good. He got as far as the state line before he was robbed and pushed off a bridge.
*****
We did heroic things to save three whales caught in the ice with insufficient oxygen.
Otherwise, they would never have gotten the chance to experience a long, slow death from PCB poisoning.
*****
We make toy guns, encouraging our kids to play at killing each other.
*****
Over half of our planet's scientists and engineers work for the military.
The other half work for Pizza Pizza.
*****
There have been over 1900 tests of nuclear weapons since World War II. You'd think we'd get it right after, say, the first couple hundred.
And we haven't figured out yet what to do with the leftover stuff. We have enough radioactive waste to contaminate all of the Earth's lakes and rivers � twice. Canada alone has enough to stack a six foot high pile along the TransCanada Highway from coast to coast. We don't know what to do with the stuff. But we keep making it.
We tossed some of it into the ocean. But apparently it doesn't just dissolve. We launched some of it into outer space. But now the insurance companies won't cover our space shuttles for collision. We buried some of it in containers�that clearly won't last as long as the stuff itself. And we used some of it to build schools and kitchen tables. Call it recycling. Our favourite way to get rid of it, however, seems to be sneaking into some other country's back yard late at night, dumping it, and then running away.
*****
The site chosen for a nuclear power plant is two miles from an active fault line, and the blueprints for the reactors got mixed up, so the earthquake fault supports were installed backwards.
Oh yeah�we're definitely ready for that anti-matter stuff.
*****
Many men believe it's natural to pick fight with whatever's different.
Unfortunately, they may be right.
Fortunately, the aliens know
this.
*************************
Jass Richards Does Europe
People in business class and first class need to feel important and special.
So they get to board ahead of the rest of us.
Along with the other infants and small children.
*****
Remember Jules Verne? The guy who went around the world in 80 days?
He didn't have to deal with airports and train stations and ferries.
*****
When you're traveling, it doesn't really matter whether you say "Thank you" or "Danke schoen" or "Merci" or "Tousen takk" � as long as you say something and smile, your gratitude will be appreciated and the other person will smile back.
So when I got off the bus at the stop for the train station, kindly indicated by the driver to whom I'd shown my Eurail pass and then gestured helplessly out at the streets, I smiled at him and said "Your children have fleas."
Sure enough, he smiled back, nodding happily.
*****
But I didn't realize how difficult it would be to do simple things like buy groceries.
After all, you don't need to know Italian or Greek or whatever to recognize a loaf of bread when you see one.
For your future reference? Whipped cream goes much better in tea than sour cream.
*****
Europe doesn't have the junk food we do. I had a heck of a time finding Doritos.
Especially in, of all places, Amsterdam.
*****
Copenhagen is made for pedestrians. It has lots of pedestrian-only spaces, the streets have these really wide sidewalks, and in Copenhagen, pedestrians always have the right of way. You can be crossing the street anywhere and the cars will stop for you.
They'll do that in Amsterdam too. Though that could be because you're apt to be crossing the street backwards. And giggling.
But in Paris, cars always have the right of way. Even if the little green man says it's okay to cross. Actually, in Paris, the little green man says "Okay � you can try � but �"
Florence is rather like Paris in its attitude toward pedestrians, because in Italy there are no sidewalks at all. Well, there are � but apparently they're for cars.
*****
One of the shops on the Champs D'Elysees is a travel agency for Iran Air � "The Airline of the Islamic Republic of Iran".
I'll bet they're not doing much business these days.
Given the tendency of Islamic pilots to fly into buildings.
*****
I noticed there were no garbage cans along the Champs D'Elysees � anywhere.
And I thought "That's wishful thinking." It's nonstop tourists.
A block later I realized they'd just said "The hell with it," given a woman a go-cart, put a vacuum cleaner on it, and made it a full-time job.
*****
I got lost a lot. Even before I got to Amsterdam, I mean.
I got lost getting from the train stations to the hotels. I got lost getting from the hotels to the museums. Then I started getting lost in the museums.
It�s true. You can spend days in the Louvre.
*****
I don�t think I was in the right mood for the Louvre. I saw this one really famous painting of a shipwreck, the main figure is on the beach, dramatically draped over crates and sails, in a pose of utter exhaustion.
And all I thought "Oh get a grip!"
*****
As a species, we are so in love with ourselves, aren�t we? Almost every painting and certainly every sculpture I saw featured human subjects.
I saw a few horses, a rabbit or two, and an antelope. But they were usually dead.
Or dying a very horrible death.
'Course it could just be that animals won't sit still long enough.
That could also explain why they were usually dead.
*****
What is this obsession with taking pictures of everything?
If you want pictures of these places, why not just buy the book?
I swear some people took pictures of the postcards.
'Course why not � the postcards always looked better than the real thing.
*****
It's true that when you travel, your horizons get broadened. There was a person sitting across from me on a train one time who was reading the Proceedings from some conference. I thought history maybe, or sociology. Turns out it was the Proceedings of the Fifth Annual International Congress on Boar Semen Preservation. They have whole congresses on boar semen preservation? See, I didn't know that before.
*****
In Italy, the street people don't ask you for money exactly � they pray for it. Literally. They kneel on the sidewalk with their little cup in front of them and pray. Hands pressed together, eyes closed, the whole bit.
So when you give them money, you�re validating their belief in � no, wait a minute, that was me who put the dollar in your cup, not God! Thanks be to me! I'm God!
*****
You know how some men used to jingle coins in their pocket?
"Look at me! I'm rich! I have a bunch of nickels and dimes in my pocket!"
And then it became cool to carry around a lot of jangling keys.
"Look at me! I'm important! I can open lots of doors!"
Now, men � at least Greek men who've seen Lethal Weapon III � click two tied-together marbles. Over and over. Click-click. Click-click.
�Look at me! I�m dangerous! I can strangle you!�
I don�t know if they�re supposed to be worry beads or prayer beads or � I just call them balls-on-a-string. Teeny little itsy bitsy balls-on-a-string.
*****
When I was at a seaside restaurant, a waiter took three dead fish on a plate to some people at one of his tables � I guess so they could choose which one they wanted.
At first I thought "Ugh!" But then I thought, well, people choose which lobster they want from a bunch swimming around in a tank.
So okay, let's at least be consistent then. Next time someone orders weiner schnitzel, let's bring out all the little baby calves to frolic around the table.
'Course if they're gonna be weiner schnitzel, they've been kept too weak to frolic�
*****
The men in Sweden don't wear ties.
I don't know about you, but any country in which the men don't walk around wearing little nooses gets my vote.
Then again, given that most countries are nowhere near Sweden with regard to women in government (43% and the president), the noose thing does provide a certain � convenience.
*************************
If you�re so proud to be American, why do you wear a Canadian flag when you travel?
*****
You know the story about The Enchanted Pig? Every night when they go to bed, the pig turns into a man?
Well, they got that backwards.
*****
I hate is redundancy.
For example, the other day, I heard this woman say to some guy, "You are a sick man!"
*****
I saw a book the other day titled Sex Can Make You Stupid.
I laughed, but you know it's true, isn't it? Whenever I get really horny, I do stupid things. Really stupid things.
And then I thought, you know how men are always telling us they've got this perpetual hard-on? Well. Proof positive!
*****
Speaking of perpetual hard-ons, you know how they're always saying they can't control it?
Yeah right. They control 94% of the planet's property, 96% of its politics, and 98% of its money.
But they just cannot control their own penises.
*****
Margaret Atwood once said something like men are afraid women will laugh at them and women are afraid men will kill them.
Yeah. Especially if we laugh at them.
*****
I was a lumber grader � for a day.
I guess when you grade lumber, you take off marks for originality.
*****
Saw an ad for a poet for a greeting card company. Even submitted a portfolio.
"You light up my life.
Like an oncoming train."
"I'm sorry we fought last night.
I'm much more vicious during the day."
"Heard you were ill, injured, whatever �
Can I borrow your car this weekend?"
"Sorry to hear about your loss �
But hey, people die."
*****
Saw another ad, for a food demonstrator.
"Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please? This � is food."
*****
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
'That's the janitor's job, let him do it, he's getting paid.'
*****
I used to run a support group for people in denial.
But no one ever came.
*****
Why did the passive personality cross the road?
Because I told him to.
*****
Why did the delusional person cross the road?
Because he thought the grass was greener on the other side.
*****
Why did the masochist cross the road?
He didn't. Because the grass was greener.
*****
Why did the hallucinating person cross the road?
To follow the chicken.
*****
Why did the multiple personality cross the road?
Are you asking me?
*****
Why did the paranoic cross the road?
Why do you ask?
*****
I was reading the other day about this guy, Daniel Maston, an assistant operator at the Point Lepreau Nuclear Generating Station. He was sentenced to four months for spiking the cafeteria's juice cooler with tritiated heavy water from the reactor.
Apparently he said � and I quote � "I don't have a good reason. I just did it. Maybe it was a joke."
And we worry about terrorists stealing plutonium.
*****
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill said, "Clumsy!"
*****
Women, don�t you just hate having PMS? Being all irritable and angry for a few days each month.
But hey, at least we�re not men.
They have PMS all month long.
It�s called testosterone.
The guy on the freeway leaning on his horn and slamming into you? That�s not road rage, that�s a man with PMS.
And football and hockey, all those guys smashing into each other? Guys with PMS.
And war?! They�re killing each other. I wish they�d just take their midol.
*****
Isn't it amazing what biological research is doing for agriculture?
We have nectarines � a peach without the fuzz.
And seedless grapes � that must have been a trick.
And now �boneless chicken�.
Wouldn't that make life in the barnyard a little difficult?
*****
According to Manly Palmer Hall, "We are all healthy when we are not thinking about ourselves."
Speak for yourself.
I'm not such a basket case that I can't bear the thought of me.
*****
Why is Aunt Jemima a maid and Uncle Ben a chef?
And Mr. Clean � yeah right.
*****
Speaking of washrooms, I was in one the other day. A women's washroom. In one of the government buildings.
And as I was in one of the stalls, I happened to read the little sign on that little box. It said "For your convenience, a sanitary receptacle is provided in this cubicle. You are requested to co-operate and use it for the purpose intended."
I'm still coming up with alternate uses for those things.
*****
What's another word for unannounced nuclear test?
Accident.
*****
How do you turn a rainforest into a desert?
Eat a hamburger.
*****
How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
Define 'light bulb'.
*****
How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?
More than can dance on the other end.
*****
So I'm HIV+.
Guess that makes me a lethal weapon.
Cool.
*****
What's reality for if not to encourage imagination?
*****
Ya gotta love those automated telephone answering systems.
Press 1 for sales, 2 for service, and 3 if you have no short-term memory whatsoever.
*****
Each year, 100 men kill their female partners, but only 3 women kill their male partners.
I figure hey � there's a market potential for assertiveness training seminars.
*****
Heard this guy say the other day that women can't do jobs that involve heavy machinery.
What do you guys do with it all day � carry it?
Got one word for you: forklift.
*****
This don�t-ask-don�t-tell thing the military has going?
How can they face the enemy if they can't even face homosexuality?
*****
Have you heard � the army uses radioactive bullets.
Guess when you get hit, you glow in the dark.
So much for that brand new camouflage outfit.
*****
Bought a birthday present for my nephew the other day.
Why is it that toy guns are okay, but toy thumbscrews are considered sick?
*****
Did you know there's an international law that says you can't use weapons that cause "unnecessary suffering"?
Blowing your right leg off, that was necessary.
But the left leg, gee, I'm sorry about that, that was unnecessary, wasn't it.
*****
So last week was deer season. I saw some guy standing in the bush a few metres off the road, waiting, rifle ready.
"You're not gonna kill the mom and two little fawns we see around here, are you?" I asked.
"Oh, we'll try not to!" he smiled.
What's to try? Unload the gun.
If that's too tricky, just put it down.
Dumfucks.
*****
At the gas station, I saw a couple guys on their way to their hunt camp.
"How many squares did ya bring?" the one asked the other.
A case of 24 bottles of beer is not square. It's rectangular.
And God help us, they're the ones with all the spatial ability.
*****
A group of hunters is protesting elk farms.
Because they're unethical.
Right.
They're just pissed because the farmers are taking away their fun.
Well, fair's fair.
I say let the cows loose.
*****
Someone once told me that the virus is the only life form that requires a higher life form in order to replicate.
They obviously forgot about men.
*****
The companies putting CFCs into the atmosphere, wrecking the ozone, and giving us all skin cancer? Serve us right if they were all owned by rich black people.
*****
Got a donation request the other day from the Alzheimers' Society.
And I was actually gonna write out a cheque.
But then I � forgot.
*****
They say curiosity killed the cat.
Maybe the first eight times.
The ninth time? That had to've been stupidity.
*****
High school sucked, didn't it.
And those were the best years of our lives.
*****
Hello, this is Dial-a-Psychic. How can I help you?
Don't you know?
*****
At every age over fifteen, more women than men receive treatment for mental health problems.
Scarey, eh? All those men walking around out there � untreated.
*****
They should design vet offices to look like cars. Replace the front door with something off an old chevy. Put car seats in the waiting room. And put a huge fan in the corner going 50 miles an hour. Dogs'd love going to the vet!
*****
Have you seen that show "Dogs with Jobs"?
I've got a companion show to pitch. "Cats on Unemployment."
*****
All those women in tv ads that are so happy that their eyelashes can now be ultra-curled, ultra-lengthened, and ultra-thickened - if my eyes were that vacant, I sure wouldn't want to draw attention to them.
No wait a minute. If I were that vacant � I guess I would.
*****
Blondes have more fun.
Okay.
But they're too dumb to know it.
*****
What's with the rule that only big motherfuckers can be firefighters?
Are they trying to make sure the burning buildings collapse under their weight?
Or only when they're carrying
an extra hundred pounds of rescued kid?
*****
Who came up with the name Viagra?
I guess it's supposed to sound like Niagara.
But it's Niagara Falls.
Better to have chosen Geyser.
'Course that sounds too much like Geezer.
They should've just gone with Hamburger Helper.
*****
I don't do Christmas.
As Zoe Fairburns points out, "The birth of a male who thinks he's god isn't such a rare event."
*****
I guess there's nothing really wrong with believing there's life after death.
Unless, of course, you're my surgeon!
*****
I heard someone say the other day "Wouldn't it be great if we could travel through time?"
Hello. We travel from yesterday to today � every day.
*****
Have you seen those extra large chocolate bars with the re-sealable packages?
Why would you need a re-sealable package on a chocolate bar?
*****
I once saw three big fish in a teeny little front yard pond.
Must�ve taken a whole two seconds for Bob to swim from one end to the other, passing Harry, and back, passing Joe.
I sure hope all three have that short-term memory thing where you can't remember what you just did.
*****
Ever see two snails chasing each other?
*****
A lot of people think that unless you�re married, to a man, your baby won�t be legitimate.
My, aren't we a little full of ourselves � men confer legitimacy to life.
*****
George Carlin with Tourette's Syndrome:
"Republican! Banker! Priest!"
*****
"Y'know why women can't play poker?" this guy asked me once.
"�Cuz they're no good at bluffing."
Well, I guess you've never had sex with a woman then, eh?
*****
People who need people are � codependent.
*****
An American told me once that they considered taking certain action against Canada, as revenge for not supporting them in their war. �But,� he explained, �we sort of consider Canada our little brother, you know?�
Revenge for not supporting them? Who�s the little brother?
*****
�I mean, we protect you,� he continued, �you benefit from our defence.�
Yeah right. Like the safest place to be is right beside the jerk who�s mouthing off and waving a big fat gun. Right beside the asshole everyone just wants to sit down and shut up.
*****
I was reading the other day about cave art, how there�s a lot more pictures of animals drawn in profile and than in frontal view. Apparently because the frontal view is a sophisticated perspective requiring cognitive skills present only in more evolved brains.
There�s a simpler explanation. The only guys who actually saw a woolly mammoth head-on? They died.
*****
It�s always pissed me off how men seem to make every little thing they do so important. They put on such a serious face. Even if they�re just tying their shoelaces.
Turns out I�ve been giving them way too much credit. They�re not conveying importance. They�re just concentrating really really hard.
*****
I read the other day about the new proposed crime, �negligent rape�, in which a man fails to notice a woman�s lack of consent.
Guys. How can you fail to notice �GET THE FUCK OFF ME!�?
*****
One of the biggest problems facing humanity today is how to get rid of the men. I have the solution. We turn them into women.
Most of them will then kill themselves, unable to deal with their new subordinate status.
*****
Pitch for a sci-fi movie: A plague kills all the women on Earth except five, who manage to escape infection. On these five depend the continuation of the human species.
And when the men find them, it takes all of fifteen minutes to rape them to death.
(A very short sci-fi movie.)
*****
What if women had voluntary control over ovulation?
What if men had voluntary control over ejaculation?
Oh wait � they do. It�s erection that�s involuntary.
*****
I came across an interesting proposal the other day: what if people who wanted to create a new human being had to get a license to do so?
The creation of old human beings wasn�t considered.
*****
The older I get, the more
I think I�m running out of time to fulfill my potential.
Then I realize I already fulfilled my potential. At around twelve.
*****
So I was looking for a job, and everyone kept saying �You�re overqualified.�
Yeah, well, the jobs I�m qualified for are filled.
By men.
*****
Research continues to show that the older you get, the less likely you are to get married.
Well yeah. Because the older you get, the less your capacity for delusion.
*****
Studies show that people with mentors advance in their careers more than those without mentors.
See, I�ve never had a mentor.
�Course, I�ve never had a career.
*****
What�s scary about the development of intelligent computers or biochemical roots is not that they might some day pass whatever test we come up with to determine if they meet the criteria for being a conscious human being.
What�s scary is that on that day, a good number of the rest of us might not.
*****
In our society, girls still get the impression that men as a whole are better than women. After all, they�re the presidents and the CEOs and even the supervisors.
But when you raise a girl to believe that all men are better than her, you raise her to date, have sex with, fall in love with, and marry any old asshole. Because even he knows more, can do more, can do better -
Oh. That�s why girls are still led to believe that men as a whole are better than women.
*****
How a Dog is Not Like a Kid
1. A dog is generally kept on a leash when in public.
2. And when a kid gets tired in public, it whines and tugs and whines � instead of quietly curling up and falling asleep. At your feet.
3. A dog can be �toilet-trained� in a week or two.
4. A dog doesn�t bark nearly as much as a kid cries, screams, wails, and shrieks. And it will seldom wake up in the middle of the night for just that very purpose.
5. A dog sits on command. And comes when you call.
6. A dog usually gets spayed and neutered before it reaches puberty.
7. A dog�s destructive period generally lasts about a year. Not ten. (Thirty, in the case of males.)
8. And yet hotels, motels, apartments, and condos are far more likely to have a �No Dogs� rule than a �No Kids� rule. And those that allow kids don�t have a weight limit. Or breed restrictions.
*****
Leafblowers. Don�t they make an awful noise? It�s such an irritating whine. You know why, dontcha? Because they were made for men � by men.
And the damn things don�t
even really clean up the leaves, they just move the mess from one place
to another. So typical. Can you imagine if we designed vacuum
cleaners that way?
*****
So I had a psychotic break a few years ago.
I�m less apt to get bored
with myself now that there are two of us.
*****
You know what women like about their periods? They�re regular. They�re every 28 days, give or take.
Wouldn�t it be nice if men knew when they were being taken over by their chemicals?
*****
For the record, I don�t become bitchy for a few days a month.
I develop a heightened sensitivity to your many flaws.
*****
Men who think size matters are usually � fat.