Most athletes are driven by the desire to win.
Not to win anything in particular, anything of significance, just � to win.
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Olympic athletes are especially driven.
Imagine spending years trying to throw a really heavy ball a few centimetres further than the next guy.
Now there's a candidate for the Lifetime Achievement Award.
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I heard one athlete emphasize the need to stay focused and keep his objective in mind.
How hard can that be for a sprinter?
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Speaking of which, one of the most lauded athletic feats is to run a hundred metres in under 10 seconds. The current record holder can do it in 9.77.
My dog can do better than that.
And she's only six.
'Course, she's black too.
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Have you noticed that more and more athletes are saying a quick prayer at the starting line?
A clear admission that you can't possibly win without divine intervention �
Yeah, that'll really psych out your opponents.
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Another thing I've noticed is that the distance running events are always won by someone from Kenya, Ethiopia, or some other starving country.
See what you can do when all you've got to carry around is skin-and-bones?
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Know why it took a while for there to be a women's triple jump?
Because hopscotch isn't really a challenge for us anymore.
Know what event I'd like to see?
Men's double-dutch.
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Athletes who test positive for marijuana, a performance-diminishing drug, are actually prohibited from competing in their sport.
Provided they can remember what it is.
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On a similar note, a certain archery competitor suspected of using LSD will be disqualified if he ever gets the arrow, string, and bow thing figured out.
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You know how there are different weight classes in wrestling?
I think other sports should do that too.
For example, in the high jump, there should be a separate competitive class for short people.
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In gymnastics, one of the women's events is the balance beam. They do these aerial cartwheel somersault things � on a four-inch wide beam � set three feet off the floor.
The men's big balance move is � on the floor.
They do what�s called a front scale. Basically, they stand on one leg.
It's hard to say which of the two is more � thought-provoking.
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Another difference is that the men don't do their floor routines to music.
I guess that would be too difficult, too distracting.
Or maybe the gymnastics federation is afraid that adding music to the men's floor would attract athletes who are � Ru Paul.
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And the men�s high bar. One bar. Ooooh.
Try flipping around two of them.
Set at different heights.
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And volleyball - when the women dive for the ball, they do this really neat shoulder roll � it�s smooth, quick, and cool to see.
The men's technique? They do a bellyflop onto the floor. Really, it's sort of a chest-first body slam. I think they figure it looks heroic.
I think it looks � stupid.
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Every now and then � usually when women approach or surpass men's performance � men proclaim "Sports are too dangerous for women � they might get hurt!"
This from the sex that routinely gets black eyes, split lips, sprained muscles, torn ligaments, dislocated joints, broken bones, and nerve damage. From sports.
The sex that has its reproductive vitals hanging by a thread at the body's bull's-eye with nary a centimetre of fat for protection.
And voluntarily competes on the aptly named pommel horse.
Do I need to point out that women's musculature is generally more elastic, rendering it less prone to injury?
And that women seem to have a better developed survival instinct? We duck. We run the fuck the other way.
And we don't make insupportable claims about the sexual preferences of our opponents' mothers.
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How many swimmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't know yet. They keep getting electrocuted.
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Did you know they once tried a men's synchronized swimming team?
One guy got pissed off at another guy, and then another guy got involved, next thing you know, half the team's dead in the water.
Guess they couldn't handle that hold-hands-and-coordinate thing.
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Why did the cyclist cross the road?
To get to the finish line.
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In men's figure skating, the warrior theme is very common.
Even artsy skaters like Todd Eldredge has done it.
Is it wise to act out killing someone, with pride, and celebration, at a meet where all of your fellow competitors from oh, I don't know � Japan, Russia, Iraq � have easy access to a pair of sharp blades?
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Figure skating commentators completely miscall the pairs event, by the way. It�s always he, he, he.
He lifts her � never mind that she balances in a way that requires a great deal of strength.
He throws her � never mind that her timing and control make it possible.
He catches her � never mind that she doesn't slice anything off in the process.
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Basketball. Now there's a great sport. The Harlem Globetrotters are living proof that the human hand was made to handle a ball.
Which is why soccer is such a stupid sport.
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Then again, basketball used to be a great sport. Have you seen some of the new NBA players? They can dunk the ball just by reaching over from centre court.
And still they miss their free throws.
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There are a few sports we just haven't named very well.
Squash is not played with a squash.
There are no fences in fencing, no rugs in rugby.
And 'the butterfly' � have you ever seen what happens to a butterfly in water?
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And there are several sports in which we haven't yet reached our full potential.
For example, in bowling � okay, let's just say for now it's a sport � in bowling, you should get extra points for knocking down pins in the other lanes.
After skiers race down the hill, they should have to turn around and race back up.
In water polo, as in regular polo, there should be horses involved.
In the sculls, they should narrow the lanes and let the competitors whack their opponents out of their boats.
In the steeplechase, in that pool of water at that last hurdle? We should put a crocodile in there.
The flimsy crossbar of the pole vault should be replaced with a sturdy two-by-four. Nailed in place.
And in the relay, instead of a baton, the runners should have to pass off a chicken.
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There are a few sports I don't understand.
In weight lifting, people lift heavy stuff.
They don't take it anywhere.
They don't do anything with it.
They just pick it up and then put it back down.
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On a regular basis, men enter a ring and punch each other repeatedly in the head.
This causes brain damage.
Well, more brain damage.
Critics are reminded that the participants are consenting adults.
That's the part we don't get.
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Strategy in football amounts to 'Fake left, Go right'.
'Course � that's probably enough.
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I also don�t understand the biathlon.
The shooting part involves targets that stand still.
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Speaking of shooting, I don't understand hunting. I don't understand the desire to kill.
�Oh no,� they say, �it's not that, it's the excitement of stalking an animal that's big and wild, and can tear you apart.�
Yeah right. Like Bambi's cousin is gonna tear you apart.
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�And it's the challenge! Deer are smart, y'know!�
I'd say the average deer has an IQ of, what, three?
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And this 'bigger is better' thing? Completely illogical.
Anyone can hit a moose that's just standing there.
If you really want to impress people, hang a pair of chipmunk ears on your wall.
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Speaking of which, why is it that fishermen mount the whole fish but hunters mount only the head?
I mean, if it is size that counts, then let's hang the whole moose on the wall.
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And the wardrobe! You have the matching pants and shirt in camouflage I'm-hiding greens and browns, and the vest, gloves, and hat in the brightest I-can't-help-but-be-seen orange.
The ensemble fairly shouts �I'm a man.�
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Hunting is big business.
You've got your Super Premium 200 Proof Doe-in-Heat-Scent - "collected at the peak of the doe's hottest second estrous cycle."
How do they know it's her peak?
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You've got your "shoulder length dressing gloves". I'm thinking something in black silk, but no, these are "heavy duty poly gloves help protect against mess, stains, and infectious diseases."
The picture shows a guy with his arm up a deer's ass � he's "dressing game".
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And you've got your "Rusty Duck Lubricant".
Don't leave home without it.
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Finally, you've got your calls � the 'CM3� moose call was the year�s bestseller, but I understand there were a lot of hunting injuries that year.
Well what do you think happens when some moron stands in the middle of a the forest during mating season and yells out in moose language 'Come fuck me now!'
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Balls
Men seem to be particularly preoccupied with balls. Interest begins at an early age and continues throughout adulthood, often until death. Participation peaks during young adulthood and early middle age; however, balls are such an integral part of a man's life that spectating (watching other men play with balls) excites men of all ages.
Marbles: This is perhaps the first instance in a man's life of organized group behaviour focusing on balls. The ball comes in two sizes, but both are quite small: approximately 1/2 inch and 3/4 inch in diameter. (Generally speaking, men play with bigger balls than boys do.) (However, further claims, inferred from this one, are usually false.) In one version, the big balls knock the little balls out of a circle. In another version, the object is to get the ball into a hole. (This is the beginning of a persistent confusion concerning the relation between balls, holes, and sticks.) The winner gets everyone's balls, so you lose your balls if you're not very good at it. Usually the boy has a special bag for carrying his little balls � he does so quite proudly, often bragging to others about the quantity in his possession.
Golf: This game is somewhat related to marbles in that the men try to get a little ball (the ball is larger than a marble but smaller than anything yet to be described) into a hole they have dug in the ground (the hole, on the other hand, is now a bit smaller and deeper, so the fit is tighter). One major difference, however, is that they try to get it into not just one hole now, but many � eighteen, in fact. Another difference is that they now use a long stiff stick. (As in most other cases, their sticks are matters of great concern, and much attention is given to their care. Furthermore, men will endlessly discuss their equipment, comparing advantages and specific uses of certain types/designs.) The winner is the man who uses the quickest, most direct route, or the fewest strokes. Also, unlike marbles, each of the men uses only one ball, but since they often lose their balls, they carry extras along with them. This method of playing with balls is considered more important than marbles � men even pay to belong to clubs that will allow them to do it this way.
Billiards: This is a curious hybrid of marbles and golf. On the one hand, it regresses back to using many balls (and, like marbles, multicolored ones), but it also uses many holes (like golf, but six not eighteen). The balls are a bit larger, and again, a long stiff stick is used (even longer than the one used in golf). The tip of the stick is often rubbed with chalk to improve performance.
Basketball: This version features a larger ball still, but the ball is merely pumped full of air. (Most big balls are inflated.) A variation on getting the ball into a hole, this game employs a suspended net that creates the hole to aim for. If a man succeeds in getting the ball 'in', it's called 'scoring'. While he tries to score as often as possible, he also tries to prevent other men from doing the same.
Soccer: In this version, the ball is manoeuvred with the feet instead of with the hands. And though, like basketball, the hole is now a net, unlike basketball, the net is guarded � that is, there is one man on each side whose sole job is to 'protect the net' or stop the competitors' balls from getting in.
Polo: With an element to add variety, this hit-ball-with-stick-into-hole/net game includes horses.
Water Polo: Some men find it more exciting to play with their balls in the water.
Bowling: The balls used in this instance of play have special holes in them; the men put their fingers into the holes. (Though perhaps generally true, in this particular case, the balls are very important to the men: if you take their balls away, they will be very upset.) The ball is thrown at an array of objects in order to knock over as many as possible. (The objects are inanimate.)
Tennis: In this case, the ball is hit back and forth between two men. An odd quirk is that they are expected to wear white while doing this. And, though scoring is still the intent, the focus is not on hitting the ball into a hole; rather, the men try very hard to display strength, strategy, and endurance.
Volleyball: This is an expanded version of tennis � the ball is hit back and forth between two teams, and the game proceeds in such a way that the 'set up' is very instrumental in scoring.
Squash: This is also much like tennis, but it is done in a small room, with fewer people watching.
Shotput: The man throws or 'puts' a very heavy ball forward. No one really knows why.
Medicine Ball: Though not a game per se, this is an example of the extreme size balls can become in men's sport � the medicine ball is 18 inches in diameter.
Lawn Bowls: After men have lost their fascination with hard sticks and tight holes, they retire and roll their very large (and somewhat misshapen) balls gingerly over the grass, trying to get their balls as close as possible to a small ball. Should their big ball come up and press ever so gently on this little ball, there are sighs of appreciation all round.
The preceding list omits many other ball-centred activities: baseball, lacrosse, croquet, handball, racquetball, etc. Furthermore, it omits many activities that use a slightly modified ball, a kind of squashed ball - such as crokinole, hockey, and curling. However, to describe these in full would entail much repetition: crokinole is similar to marbles, hockey is rather like soccer (though it uses a crooked stick and is played on ice), curling is similar to bowling, etc. There is, however, another more unique game using a somewhat deflated ball, football, which involves men jumping on each other.