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One country, fearing the loss of cheap oil, which happened to be located in another country, dropped bombs on that country, seeming to forget for a moment that oil was, well, flammable. Not to worry.  The other country remembered: fearing the loss of control over their oil, they set fire to it.

Men who think size matters are usually – fat.

One country, fearing the loss of cheap oil, which happened to be located in another country, dropped bombs on that country, seeming to forget for a moment that oil was, well, flammable. Not to worry.  The other country remembered: fearing the loss of control over their oil, they set fire to it.

Investigators of yet another stigmata “miracle” discovered that the red stuff seeping from the wounds of a crucified Christ figure was indeed genuine human blood. Wouldn’t that cast doubt – on the ‘son of a god’ thing?

Why did the guardian angel cross the road? To be with his imaginary friend.

In our society, girls still get the impression that men as a whole are better than women. After all, they’re the presidents and the CEOs and even the supervisors. But when you raise a girl to believe that all men are better than her, you raise her to date, have sex with, fall in love …

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When there’s a train wreck or something, survivors often attribute their good fortune to God. They walk around saying “It’s a miracle! Praise the Lord!” That happened to me once. I was driving back from a business meeting with my pompous little shit of a supervisor and we got into a three-car pile-up. He was …

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Did you hear about that Amish kid who got caught reading porn? His parents confiscated his entire collection of Car & Driver and Popular Mechanics.

You know what women like about their periods? They’re regular. They’re every 28 days, give or take. Wouldn’t it be nice if men knew when they were being taken over by their chemicals?

I don’t understand all the anger about discontinuing “The Prayer” in schools, courtrooms, council meetings, and other public places. We’re not trying to stop you from praying wherever and whenever you want – we’d just rather you not be such an exhibitionist about it.

The Road Trip Dialogues – free for a limited time! (yeah, yeah, trying out a promotional strategy)

At the gas station, I saw a couple guys on their way to their hunt camp. “How many squares did ya bring?” the one asked the other. A case of 24 bottles of beer is not square. It’s rectangular. And God help us, they’re the ones with all the spatial ability.

For the record, I don’t become bitchy for a few days a month. I develop a heightened sensitivity to your many flaws.

Studies show that people with mentors advance in their careers more than those without mentors. See, I’ve never had a mentor. ‘Course, I’ve never had a career.

“I mean, we protect you,” he continued, “you benefit from our defence.” Yeah right. Like the safest place to be is right beside the jerk who’s mouthing off and waving a big fat gun. Right beside the asshole everyone wants to just sit down and shut the fuck up.

An American told me once that they considered taking certain action against Canada, as revenge for not supporting them in one of their wars. “But,” he explained, “we sort of consider Canada our little brother, you know?” Revenge for not supporting them? Who’s the little brother?

I once saw three big fish in a teeny little front yard pond. Must’ve taken a whole two seconds for Bob to swim from one end to the other, passing Harry, and back, passing Joe. I sure hope all three have that short-term memory thing where you can’t remember what you just did.

I was reading the other day about cave art, how there are a lot more pictures of animals drawn in profile and than in frontal view. Apparently because the frontal view is a sophisticated perspective requiring cognitive skills present only in more evolved brains. There’s a simpler explanation. The guys who actually saw a woolly …

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George Carlin with Tourette’s Syndrome: “Republican! Priest!”

Have you seen those extra large chocolate bars with the re-sealable packages? Why would you need a re-sealable package on a chocolate bar?

Have you seen that show “Dogs with Jobs”? I’ve got a companion show to pitch.  “Cats on Unemployment.”

High school sucked, didn’t it. And those were the best years of our lives.

They say curiosity killed the cat. Maybe the first eight times. The ninth time? That had to’ve been stupidity.

Got a donation request the other day from the Alzheimers’ Society. And I was actually gonna write out a cheque. But then I – forgot.

A group of hunters is protesting elk farms. Because they’re unethical. Right. They’re just pissed because the farmers are taking away their fun. Well, fair’s fair. I say let the cows loose.

Ya gotta love automated answering systems. Press 1 for sales, 2 for service, and 3 if you have no short-term memory whatsoever.

Heard this guy say the other day that women can’t do jobs that involve heavy machinery. What do you guys do with it all day – carry it? Got one word for you: forklift.

Ever see two snails chasing each other?

I heard someone say the other day say “Wouldn’t it be great if we could travel through time?” Hello. We travel from yesterday to today – every day.

How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb? Define ‘light bulb’.

Speaking of washrooms, I was in one the other day. A women’s washroom. In one of the government buildings. And as I was in one of the stalls, I happened to read the little sign on that little box. It said “For your convenience, a sanitary receptacle is provided in this cubicle. You are requested …

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Why did the paranoic cross the road? Why do you ask?

Why did the multiple personality cross the road? Are you asking me?

Why did the hallucinating person cross the road? To follow the chicken.

Why did the masochist cross the road? He didn’t. Because the grass was greener.

Why did the delusional person cross the road? Because he thought the grass was greener on the other side.

Why did the passive personality cross the road? Because I told him to.

Why did the passive personality cross the road? Because I told him to.

According to Manly Palmer Hall, “We are all healthy when we are not thinking about ourselves.” Speak for yourself. I’m not such a basket case that I can’t bear the thought of me.

Isn’t it amazing what biological research is doing for agriculture? We have nectarines – a peach without the fuzz. And seedless grapes – that must have been a trick. And now “boneless chicken”. Wouldn’t that make life in the barnyard a little difficult?

Jack and Jill went up the hill To fetch a pail of water Jack fell down and broke his crown And Jill said, “Clumsy!”

How many students does it take to change a light bulb? ‘That’s the janitor’s job, let him do it, he’s getting paid.’

Speaking of perpetual hard-ons, you know how they’re always saying they can’t control it? Yeah right. They control 94% of the planet’s property, 96% of its politics, and 98% of its money. But they just cannot control their own penises.

For most of us, loss is the difference between what you have at Time 1 and what you have at Time 2: yesterday, I had ten marbles; today, I have seven; so I lost a few – three, to be exact. However, those in business define loss as the difference between what you get and …

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Saw another ad, for a food demonstrator. “Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please? This – is food.”

“Heard you were ill, injured, whatever –- Can I borrow your car this weekend?”

“I’m sorry we fought last night. I’m much more vicious during the day.”

Saw an ad for a poet for a greeting card company. Even submitted a portfolio. “You light up my life. Like an oncoming train.”

If you’re so proud to be American, why do you wear a Canadian flag when you travel?

We do heroic things to save whales caught in the ice with insufficient oxygen. Otherwise, they would never get the chance to experience a long, slow death from PCB poisoning.

I used to run a support group for people in denial. But no one ever came.

North Americans spend five billion dollars each year on special diets. When it would be far cheaper to just move to Africa.