Category: religion

A church group at the University of Texas is promoting Christian faith as the best way to avoid abduction by aliens. Well yeah. Any aliens that come here won’t be that stupid. (Then again, any aliens that come here–)

Who was Cain’s wife? If it was Eve, then we’re the result of inbreeding all the way back. Which, now that I think of it, explains a lot. And if it was someone else – who created her?

Those people who become ‘born again’? I guess that’s one way to avoid growing up.

So I was talking to some non-practising Catholics the other day. Told them I was a non-practising saint.

Speaking of which, the Pope says that if a man with HIV can’t abstain from intercourse, it’s better that he infect his wife than use a condom. And I say that if a woman with PMS can’t resist a rage, it’s better that she gun down the Pope than take a Midol.

Or maybe he just lies a lot. He promised Jacob that he would return from Egypt (Gen 46:3,4), but he didn’t – he died there (Gen 49). So it would seem that ‘God said so!’ is not exactly a solid claim to legitimacy.

Or could be he’s just wrong a lot. He said that Adam would die on the day he ate the apple (Gen 2:16,17), but he didn’t (Gen 3:17; Gen 5:3). He told Jehoiakim that he wouldn’t have a son (Jer 36:30), but he did (2 Kgs 24:6).

Ye are saved through grace, not works. (Eph 2:8,9) By works a man is justified. (Jas 2:24) I am a jealous God visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generations. (Ex 20:5) The son shall not bear the iniquity of the father. (Ezek 18:20) Peace I leave with …

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I used to be pissed because none of Christ’s disciples were women. Then I realized what a sorry lot of gullible schmucks they were, traipsing along after a total stranger, leaving at a moment’s notice their families, their jobs – “Hey, come follow me! I’m a god! No, really! Look – there, that bush – …

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According to Roman Catholics, thanks to Eve, and our forbidden-fruit knowledge of good and evil, we’re born sinners. So what, blessed are the psychopaths?

There’s something fundamentally wrong with prayer. It doesn’t work.

Why did God forbid knowledge of good and evil? Could it be he didn’t want us to know what an evil messed up sonuvabitch he was? (Given that he proceeded to order mass murders left, right, and center – the Hittites, the Girgashites, the Amorites, the Canaanites, the Perizzites, the Hivites, the Jebusites, and the …

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According to The Bible (2 Sam 23:8,18; 1 Chr 11:11), some guy named Adino killed 800 men in a single battle, and Abishai and Jashobeam each killed 300. Who were these guys? Even if that single battle lasted a full 24 hours, that’s at least 12 killed per hour. Which is one every five minutes. …

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And Moses. God gave him the Top Ten Commandments, all engraved in stone yet, but he didn’t give him a lousy map. He knew he wouldn’t stop and ask for directions.

And O Creator of Everything, how can you not once even mention DNA? (Not in Genesis, not in Revelation…)

Chapter 28 of Deuteronomy says that if we don’t hearken unto God’s voice, he’s going to smite us with consumption, fever, inflammation, burning, hemorrhoids, the scab, the itch, and the botch of Egypt. Oh no! The botch of Egypt!

Catholics believe in the doctrine of ‘original sin’: just by being born, we bring sin into the world. So shouldn’t they approve of abortion?

Their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up. (Hos 13:16) Dash their children, and rip up their women with child. (2 Kgs 8:12). Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones. (Ps 137:9) They shall have no pity on the fruit …

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I guess there’s nothing wrong with believing there’s life after death. Unless, of course, you’re my surgeon!

Chapter 2 of Kings says that God arranged to have 42 children killed by bears because they teased a bald guy. I betcha God’s bald.

According to Biblical accounts, God’s commanded the deaths of 185,000 Assyrians, 120,000 Midianites, 120,000 Judeans, 100,000 Syrians, 24,000 Israelites, and 10,000 Moabites. Now, he’s obviously rounding off to the nearest thousand, and I have to tell you, that lack of attention to detail bothers me.

The Bible continues to appear on bestseller lists even though the plot is repetitious, the characters are unlikeable, the dialogue, unrealistic, and the tone, juvenile. And much of it just fucking doesn’t make sense: “Wherefore my sentence is, that we trouble not them, which from among the Gentiles are turned to God” (Acts 15:19). What?

We pray to this god. But he’s omniscient – he already knows what we’re going to say. And it’s not like we’re going to change his mind: hey, Supreme Being and Ruler of the Universe – this is what I think should happen here.

Some people believe that when we die, we’re reincarnated. But if that were true, the human population shouldn’t be increasing. Unless there’s been a lot of pigs and cows who’ve been promoted – actually, I think I know some of them.

A recent poll found that almost 80% of North Americans are Christian. They say they were born that way.

President Bush kept talking about his “personal relationship with Jesus.” Which is odd, because the last time I talked to Jesus, he said he didn’t know him.

I don’t think they should give driver’s licences to people who believe in life after death.

People give $80 million a day to God. $80 million! A day! Just what the fuck has he been doing with all that money? And when do you think he’ll start paying taxes for roads, schools, hospitals, and stuff?

The state motto of Ohio is “With God, all things are possible.” Oh yeah? Is it possible for him to create a rock so heavy he can’t lift it?

And about this so-called ‘intelligent design’. Tornadoes don’t have guidance systems, we don’t have earlids, and pain hurts.

Ever wonder why God doesn’t just once and for all provide conclusive evidence that he exists? Something simple and yet – godly. Nothing like throwing chunks of bread at us.

What if there is a God – and heaven is only for those bright enough to recognize there’s no proof that he exists?

Or maybe he exists, but he went on holiday and got lost because, like one of his favourite sons who took the forty-year desert tour, he doesn’t know how to stop and ask for directions. (Thanks to Julian Barnes.)

Or maybe he does exist, but he’s abandoned us. We may have been a disappointment. Or an infectious disease. Maybe he inherited us. Or got us for Christmas. And he’s still trying to exchange us.

Most people figure either God exists or he doesn’t. There are other possibilities. Maybe he used to exist, but he doesn’t anymore. Maybe he got run over by a truck.

Most of us still think there’s a god. Well, okay, maybe that’s not really a problem. We still think it’s an all-wise and all-good god.