Jass Richards
Author's posts
Dec 21
Should we fund a mission to Mars?
Should we fund a mission to Mars? Sure. Give us a bit of time and we can make that planet uninhabitable too.
Jun 14
revisiting the ‘We’re too stupid to visit’ theme…
One country, fearing the loss of cheap oil, which happened to be located in another country, dropped bombs on that country, seeming to forget for a moment that oil was, well, flammable. Not to worry. The other country remembered: fearing the loss of control over their oil, they set fire to it.
Apr 14
A church group …
A church group at the University of Texas is promoting Christian faith as the best way to avoid abduction by aliens. Well yeah. Any aliens that come here won’t be that stupid. (Then again, any aliens that come here–)
Nov 08
Investigators of yet another stigmata …
Investigators of yet another stigmata “miracle” discovered that the red stuff seeping from the wounds of a crucified Christ figure was indeed genuine human blood. Wouldn’t that cast doubt – on the ‘son of a god’ thing?
Aug 18
Why did the guardian angel cross the road?
Why did the guardian angel cross the road? To be with his imaginary friend.
Jun 23
On a regular basis, men enter a ring …
On a regular basis, men enter a ring and punch each other repeatedly in the head. This causes brain damage. Well, more brain damage. Critics are reminded that the participants are consenting adults. That’s the part we don’t get.
May 20
In our society, girls still get the impression …
In our society, girls still get the impression that men as a whole are better than women. After all, they’re the presidents and the CEOs and even the supervisors. But when you raise a girl to believe that all men are better than her, you raise her to date, have sex with, fall in love …
May 02
When there’s a train wreck …
When there’s a train wreck or something, survivors often attribute their good fortune to God. They walk around saying “It’s a miracle! Praise the Lord!” That happened to me once. I was driving back from a business meeting with my pompous little shit of a supervisor and we got into a three-car pile-up. He was …
Apr 13
Did you hear about that Amish kid …
Did you hear about that Amish kid who got caught reading porn? His parents confiscated his entire collection of Car & Driver and Popular Mechanics.
Apr 07
You know what women like about their periods?
You know what women like about their periods? They’re regular. They’re every 28 days, give or take. Wouldn’t it be nice if men knew when they were being taken over by their chemicals?
Mar 22
I applaud the idea of …
I applaud the idea of god as a woman. It’s a sure-fire way to make “him” non-existent. Or at least totally inconsequential.
Mar 13
Anti-gun law advocate…
Anti-gun law advocate and pastor of the New Life Christian Fellowship, Herbert Kershaw, accidentally shot himself to death while demonstrating gun safety to his family. [And I just now realized the second way in which that’s funny.]
Feb 24
Who was Cain’s wife?
Who was Cain’s wife? If it was Eve, then we’re the result of inbreeding all the way back. Which, now that I think of it, explains a lot. And if it was someone else – who created her?
Feb 11
I don’t understand …
I don’t understand all the anger about discontinuing “The Prayer” in schools, courtrooms, council meetings, and other public places. We’re not trying to stop you from praying wherever and whenever you want – we’d just rather you not be such an exhibitionist about it.
Feb 03
Those people who become ‘born again’?
Those people who become ‘born again’? I guess that’s one way to avoid growing up.
Jan 28
So I was talking to some non-practising Catholics …
So I was talking to some non-practising Catholics the other day. Told them I was a non-practising saint.
Jan 05
The Road Trip Dialogues – free for a limited time!
The Road Trip Dialogues – free for a limited time! (yeah, yeah, trying out a promotional strategy)
Dec 28
Speaking of which …
Speaking of which, the Pope says that if a man with HIV can’t abstain from intercourse, it’s better that he infect his wife than use a condom. And I say that if a woman with PMS can’t resist a rage, it’s better that she gun down the Pope than take a Midol.
Dec 18
Speaking of creation …
Speaking of creation, if God made everything, who made God? If he just always was, then why couldn’t it be that everything else just always was? And if he made himself, well, I guess that means he can go fuck himself!
Dec 06
It seems to me God’s a little obsessed …
It seems to me God’s a little obsessed with sex – so many stories in The Bible involve rape, incest, whoring, lust, coveting thy neighbour’s wife, deflowering virgins… He’s also a little obsessed with food – what to eat, when to eat. Guess that’s what happens when you’re non-corporeal.
Dec 02
Or maybe he just lies a lot. …
Or maybe he just lies a lot. He promised Jacob that he would return from Egypt (Gen 46:3,4), but he didn’t – he died there (Gen 49). So it would seem that ‘God said so!’ is not exactly a solid claim to legitimacy.
Nov 22
Or could be he’s just wrong a lot …
Or could be he’s just wrong a lot. He said that Adam would die on the day he ate the apple (Gen 2:16,17), but he didn’t (Gen 3:17; Gen 5:3). He told Jehoiakim that he wouldn’t have a son (Jer 36:30), but he did (2 Kgs 24:6).
Nov 15
Or maybe …
Or maybe he just changes his mind a lot. Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; no, wait, ye shall not eat of them that chew the cud or of them that divide the cloven hoof. (Gen 9:3; Deut 14:7)
Nov 07
Ye are saved through grace…
Ye are saved through grace, not works. (Eph 2:8,9) By works a man is justified. (Jas 2:24) I am a jealous God visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generations. (Ex 20:5) The son shall not bear the iniquity of the father. (Ezek 18:20) Peace I leave with …
Nov 01
I used to be pissed because …
I used to be pissed because none of Christ’s disciples were women. Then I realized what a sorry lot of gullible schmucks they were, traipsing along after a total stranger, leaving at a moment’s notice their families, their jobs – “Hey, come follow me! I’m a god! No, really! Look – there, that bush – …
Oct 25
According to Roman Catholics …
According to Roman Catholics, thanks to Eve, and our forbidden-fruit knowledge of good and evil, we’re born sinners. So what, blessed are the psychopaths?
Oct 17
There’s something fundamentally wrong …
There’s something fundamentally wrong with prayer. It doesn’t work.
Oct 11
At the gas station …
At the gas station, I saw a couple guys on their way to their hunt camp. “How many squares did ya bring?” the one asked the other. A case of 24 bottles of beer is not square. It’s rectangular. And God help us, they’re the ones with all the spatial ability.
Oct 04
Leafblowers
Don’t leafblowers make an awful noise? It’s such an irritating whine. You know why, dontcha? Because they were made for men – by men. That’s probably why the damned things don’t even really clean up the leaves, they just move the mess from one place to another.
Sep 24
Why did God forbid knowledge …
Why did God forbid knowledge of good and evil? Could it be he didn’t want us to know what an evil messed up sonuvabitch he was? (Given that he proceeded to order mass murders left, right, and center – the Hittites, the Girgashites, the Amorites, the Canaanites, the Perizzites, the Hivites, the Jebusites, and the …
Sep 18
According to The Bible …
According to The Bible (2 Sam 23:8,18; 1 Chr 11:11), some guy named Adino killed 800 men in a single battle, and Abishai and Jashobeam each killed 300. Who were these guys? Even if that single battle lasted a full 24 hours, that’s at least 12 killed per hour. Which is one every five minutes. …
Sep 12
And Moses. God gave him …
And Moses. God gave him the Top Ten Commandments, all engraved in stone yet, but he didn’t give him a lousy map. He knew he wouldn’t stop and ask for directions.
Sep 05
And O Creator of Everything …
And O Creator of Everything, how can you not once even mention DNA? (Not in Genesis, not in Revelation…)
Aug 30
Chapter 28 of Deuteronomy says that …
Chapter 28 of Deuteronomy says that if we don’t hearken unto God’s voice, he’s going to smite us with consumption, fever, inflammation, burning, hemorrhoids, the scab, the itch, and the botch of Egypt. Oh no! The botch of Egypt!
Aug 23
Catholics believe in the doctrine of ‘original sin’ …
Catholics believe in the doctrine of ‘original sin’: just by being born, we bring sin into the world. So shouldn’t they approve of abortion?
Aug 17
Their infants shall be dashed in pieces …
Their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up. (Hos 13:16) Dash their children, and rip up their women with child. (2 Kgs 8:12). Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones. (Ps 137:9) They shall have no pity on the fruit …
Aug 11
For the record, I don’t become bitchy …
For the record, I don’t become bitchy for a few days a month. I develop a heightened sensitivity to your many flaws.
Jul 27
How a Dog is Not Like a Kid
How a Dog is Not Like a Kid 1. A dog is generally kept on a leash when in public. 2. When a kid gets tired in public, it whines and tugs and whines – instead of quietly curling up and falling asleep. At your feet. 3. A dog can be ‘toilet-trained’ in a week …
Jul 21
Studies show that people with mentors …
Studies show that people with mentors advance in their careers more than those without mentors. See, I’ve never had a mentor. ‘Course, I’ve never had a career.
Jul 15
So I was looking for a job …
So I was looking for a job, and everyone kept saying “You’re overqualified.” Yeah, well, the jobs I’m qualified for are filled. By men.
Jul 09
“I mean, we protect you,” he continued…
“I mean, we protect you,” he continued, “you benefit from our defence.” Yeah right. Like the safest place to be is right beside the jerk who’s mouthing off and waving a big fat gun. Right beside the asshole everyone wants to just sit down and shut the fuck up.
Jul 05
An American once told me …
An American told me once that they considered taking certain action against Canada, as revenge for not supporting them in one of their wars. “But,” he explained, “we sort of consider Canada our little brother, you know?” Revenge for not supporting them? Who’s the little brother?
Jun 11
Pitch for a sci-fi movie: …
Pitch for a sci-fi movie: A plague kills all the women on Earth except five, who manage to escape infection. On these five depend the continuation of the human species. And when the men find them, it takes all of fifteen minutes to rape them to death. (A very short sci-fi movie.)
Jun 02
What’s scary about the development of intelligent computers …
What’s scary about the development of intelligent computers or biochemical roots is not that they might some day pass whatever test we come up with to determine if they meet the criteria for being a conscious human being. What’s scary is that on that day, a good number of the rest of us might not.
May 24
I guess there’s nothing wrong with …
I guess there’s nothing wrong with believing there’s life after death. Unless, of course, you’re my surgeon!
May 20
Chapter 2 of Kings says …
Chapter 2 of Kings says that God arranged to have 42 children killed by bears because they teased a bald guy. I betcha God’s bald.
May 16
Research continues to show that the older you get …
Research continues to show that the older you get, the less likely you are to get married. Well yeah. Because the older you get, the less likely you are to be deluded.
May 12
I once saw three big fish …
I once saw three big fish in a teeny little front yard pond. Must’ve taken a whole two seconds for Bob to swim from one end to the other, passing Harry, and back, passing Joe. I sure hope all three have that short-term memory thing where you can’t remember what you just did.
May 09
One of the biggest problems facing humanity today …
One of the biggest problems facing humanity today is how to get rid of the men. I have the solution. We turn them into women. Most of them will then kill themselves, unable to deal with their new subordinate status.
May 03
I read the other day about …
I read the other day about the new proposed crime, “negligent rape”, in which a man fails to notice a woman’s lack of consent. Guys. How can you fail to notice “GET THE FUCK OFF ME!”?
Apr 25
It’s always pissed me off how men …
It’s always pissed me off how men seem to make every little thing they do so important. They put on such a serious face. Even if they’re just tying their shoelaces. Turns out I’ve been giving them way too much credit. They’re not conveying importance. They’re just concentrating really really hard.
Apr 19
I was reading the other day about cave art …
I was reading the other day about cave art, how there are a lot more pictures of animals drawn in profile and than in frontal view. Apparently because the frontal view is a sophisticated perspective requiring cognitive skills present only in more evolved brains. There’s a simpler explanation. The guys who actually saw a woolly …
Apr 12
According to Biblical accounts, God’s commanded …
According to Biblical accounts, God’s commanded the deaths of 185,000 Assyrians, 120,000 Midianites, 120,000 Judeans, 100,000 Syrians, 24,000 Israelites, and 10,000 Moabites. Now, he’s obviously rounding off to the nearest thousand, and I have to tell you, that lack of attention to detail bothers me.
Apr 07
“Y’know why women can’t play poker?”…
“Y’know why women can’t play poker?” this guy asked me once. “’Cuz they’re no good at bluffing.” Well, I guess you’ve never had sex with a woman then, eh?
Apr 03
George Carlin with Tourette’s Syndrome…
George Carlin with Tourette’s Syndrome: “Republican! Priest!”
Mar 25
The Bible continues to appear on bestseller lists even though…
The Bible continues to appear on bestseller lists even though the plot is repetitious, the characters are unlikeable, the dialogue, unrealistic, and the tone, juvenile. And much of it just fucking doesn’t make sense: “Wherefore my sentence is, that we trouble not them, which from among the Gentiles are turned to God” (Acts 15:19). What?
Mar 21
All those women in tv ads that are so happy …
All those women in tv ads that are so happy that their eyelashes can now be ultra-curled, ultra-lengthened, and ultra-thickened — if my eyes were that vacant, I sure wouldn’t want to draw attention to them. No wait a minute. If I were that vacant — I guess I would.
Mar 13
Have you seen those extra large chocolate bars …
Have you seen those extra large chocolate bars with the re-sealable packages? Why would you need a re-sealable package on a chocolate bar?
Mar 09
Who came up with the name ‘Viagra’?
Who came up with the name ‘Viagra’? I guess it’s supposed to sound like ‘Niagara’. But it’s ‘Niagara Falls‘. Better to have chosen ‘Geyser’. ‘Course that sounds too much like ‘Geezer’. They should’ve just gone with ‘Hamburger Helper’.
Mar 04
Have you seen that show “Dogs with Jobs”? …
Have you seen that show “Dogs with Jobs”? I’ve got a companion show to pitch. “Cats on Unemployment.”
Mar 01
At every age over fifteen, more women than men…
At every age over fifteen, more women than men receive treatment for mental health problems. Scarey, eh? All those men walking around out there – untreated.
Feb 17
High school sucked …
High school sucked, didn’t it. And those were the best years of our lives.
Feb 14
They say curiosity killed the cat …
They say curiosity killed the cat. Maybe the first eight times. The ninth time? That had to’ve been stupidity.
Feb 09
(No title)
Got a donation request the other day from the Alzheimers’ Society. And I was actually gonna write out a cheque. But then I – forgot.
Feb 06
The companies putting CFCs into the atmosphere…
The companies putting CFCs into the atmosphere, wrecking the ozone, and giving us all skin cancer? Serve us right if they were all owned by rich black people.
Feb 01
Someone once told me …
Someone once told me that the virus is the only life form that requires a higher life form in order to replicate. They obviously forgot about men.
Jan 25
A group of hunters …
A group of hunters is protesting elk farms. Because they’re unethical. Right. They’re just pissed because the farmers are taking away their fun. Well, fair’s fair. I say let the cows loose.
Jan 19
The word ‘wife’ first referred to those women …
The word ‘wife’ first referred to those women who were captured, after the invasion and conquest of a neighbouring tribe, and brought home to be slaves. ‘To have and to hold’ is in fact a legal expression used to transfer possession of a piece of property. In Canada, one in four wives is severely beaten …
Jan 15
Ya gotta love automated answering systems …
Ya gotta love automated answering systems. Press 1 for sales, 2 for service, and 3 if you have no short-term memory whatsoever.
Jan 10
Heard this guy say the other day …
Heard this guy say the other day that women can’t do jobs that involve heavy machinery. What do you guys do with it all day – carry it? Got one word for you: forklift.
Jan 08
That ‘don’t-ask-don’t-tell’ thing…
That ‘don’t-ask-don’t-tell’ thing the military has going? How can they face the enemy if they can’t even face homosexuality?
Dec 30
I heard someone the other day say …
I heard someone say the other day say “Wouldn’t it be great if we could travel through time?” Hello. We travel from yesterday to today – every day.
Dec 26
So my Christmas gift for my nephew…
So my Christmas gift for my nephew was apparently “inappropriate”. Explain to me why toy guns are okay, but toy thumbscrews are considered sick?
Dec 18
Have you heard — armies use radioactive bullets.
Have you heard –- armies use radioactive bullets. Guess when you get hit, you glow in the dark. So much for that brand new camouflage outfit.
Dec 13
So deer season was a couple weeks ago…
So deer season was a couple weeks ago. I saw some guy standing in the bush a few metres off the road, waiting, rifle ready. “You’re not gonna kill the mom and two little fawns we see around here, are you?” I asked. “Oh, we’ll try not to!” he smiled. What’s to try? Unload the …
Dec 06
Each year, 100 men kill their female partners …
Each year, 100 men kill their female partners, but only 3 women kill their male partners. I figure hey – there’s a market potential for assertiveness training seminars.
Nov 26
How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb??
How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb? Define ‘light bulb’.
Nov 22
How do you turn a rainforest into a desert?
How do you turn a rainforest into a desert? Eat a hamburger.
Nov 19
What’s another word for unannounced nuclear test?
What’s another word for unannounced nuclear test? Accident.
Nov 15
Why is Aunt Jemima a maid and Uncle Ben a chef?
Why is Aunt Jemima a maid and Uncle Ben a chef? And Mr. Clean – yeah right.
Nov 06
Speaking of washrooms…
Speaking of washrooms, I was in one the other day. A women’s washroom. In one of the government buildings. And as I was in one of the stalls, I happened to read the little sign on that little box. It said “For your convenience, a sanitary receptacle is provided in this cubicle. You are requested …
Oct 30
Why did the multiple personality cross the road?
Why did the multiple personality cross the road? Are you asking me?
Oct 28
Why did the hallucinating person cross the road?
Why did the hallucinating person cross the road? To follow the chicken.
Oct 27
Why did the masochist cross the road?
Why did the masochist cross the road? He didn’t. Because the grass was greener.
Oct 25
Why did the delusional person cross the road?
Why did the delusional person cross the road? Because he thought the grass was greener on the other side.
Oct 22
Why did the passive personality cross the road?
Why did the passive personality cross the road? Because I told him to.
Oct 22
Why did the passive personality cross the road?
Why did the passive personality cross the road? Because I told him to.
Oct 12
Did you know there’s an international law that says …
Did you know there’s an international law that says you can’t use weapons that cause “unnecessary suffering”? Blowing your right leg off, that was necessary. But the left leg, gee, I’m sorry about that, that was unnecessary, wasn’t it.
Oct 09
According to Manly Palmer Hall…
According to Manly Palmer Hall, “We are all healthy when we are not thinking about ourselves.” Speak for yourself. I’m not such a basket case that I can’t bear the thought of me.
Oct 04
Isn’t it amazing …
Isn’t it amazing what biological research is doing for agriculture? We have nectarines – a peach without the fuzz. And seedless grapes – that must have been a trick. And now “boneless chicken”. Wouldn’t that make life in the barnyard a little difficult?
Oct 01
Women, don’t you just hate …
Women, don’t you just hate having PMS? Being all irritable and angry for a few days each month. But hey, at least we’re not men. They have PMS all month long. It’s called testosterone. The guy on the freeway leaning on his horn and slamming into you? That’s not road rage, that’s a man with …
Sep 28
Jack and Jill went up the hill…
Jack and Jill went up the hill To fetch a pail of water Jack fell down and broke his crown And Jill said, “Clumsy!”
Sep 22
I was reading the other day about this guy …
I was reading the other day about this guy, Daniel Maston, an assistant operator at the Point Lepreau Nuclear Generating Station. He was sentenced to four months for spiking the cafeteria’s juice cooler with tritiated heavy water from the reactor. Apparently he said –- and I quote –- “I don’t have a good reason. I …
Sep 17
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
How many students does it take to change a light bulb? ‘That’s the janitor’s job, let him do it, he’s getting paid.’
Sep 14
Speaking of perpetual hard-ons …
Speaking of perpetual hard-ons, you know how they’re always saying they can’t control it? Yeah right. They control 94% of the planet’s property, 96% of its politics, and 98% of its money. But they just cannot control their own penises.
Sep 12
I saw a book the other day titled …
I saw a book the other day titled Sex Can Make You Stupid. I laughed, but you know it’s true, isn’t it? Whenever I get really horny, I do stupid things. Really stupid things. And then I thought, you know how men are always telling us they’ve got this perpetual hard-on? Well.
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